S Day um nd
Janet with daughter Jane Jane Cox, 36, lives in Maidenhead, Berks, with her husband Kevin, son Charlie, six, and threeyear-old daughter Molly. We are a very open family and good at talking about our feelings, but none of us could talk about early signs of Mum’s dementia. My mum Janet was diagnosed at 60 but showed signs for three or four years before. She was a teacher for visually impaired children and became overwhelmed with paperwork and felt unable to use a computer. We put it down to anxiety, stress or depression.
She grew more forgetful and didn’t seem interested in our lives. Our mum, always so devoted to us, couldn’t remember what jobs we did or the names of our friends. Each Christmas Mum made an amazing trifle. But one year she made a sad-looking dish with no jelly or cream. None of us had the heart to say anything but we had an inkling it was dementia.
For me, those first days of early-onset Alzheimer’s were the hardest because Mum’s personality changed. She had always been a brilliant mum – warm, friendly, chatty, outgoing and sociable. She adored having neighbours around and friends loved coming to our house for sleepovers. Mum had a strong sense of charity and every year held a card sale for Save The Children raising thousands. At first, Mum became more forgetful and needy, but then became extremely angry and frustrated. As her condition progressed, she also became delusional. Some say they feel dementia makes their loved one slip away, which gives an impression it’s gentle. But for my mum there was a brutal shift. She thought my dad, Andrew, an endlessly kind and patient man who retired early to look after Mum, was locking her in the house and people were trying to steal her furniture.
And she became obsessed with trying to go into a neighbour’s house we didn’t know. It’s painful to see how anxious she felt. Mum would be horrified to see how she has treated Dad over these years. When my son Charlie was born, Mum was well enough to come to the hospital. She was excited and revelled in having a grandson. But not long after that she couldn’t comprehend who he was.
Charlie is still affectionate towards his grandma. He understands she has a brain condition. He wants to grow up to be a scientist so he can find a cure.
My daughter Molly has only known Mum with dementia, which is heartbreaking. I live close to Mum so I can help Dad look after her. In a sad way, thinking back to my chatty and loving mum, I feel
I’ve already lost her. So on Mother’s Day
I will reminisce about happy times with my mum, give her a big hug and do my best not to cry.