How can I reveal to my lover I’m HIV positive?
Dear Coleen
I was diagnosed with HIV five years ago. My health is good and, due to antiviral treatment, my viral load is undetectable and has been for a number of years. This means I am unable to pass on the virus.
I have been dating a guy for the past two months who is younger than me (he’s 25 and I’m 30). We have already slept together and I used condoms. Things are starting to get serious between us and it’s clear that we have strong feelings for each other.
He wants to take things to the next level by agreeing to be exclusive. The difficulty is, he doesn’t yet know my HIV status. While I’ve usually been confident when telling dates, it’s become apparent that he doesn’t know much about HIV, and what he does know is misinformation.
When I questioned him on HIV, his response was: “I’ve always said if I get it, I’ll just end my life.” This tells me he isn’t educated on the subject.
I’m worried that he is going to freak out when I tell him. He’s recently had a sexual health check and it’s come back clear. He’s pushing me to go too, so I’m clearly coming to a point where I need to make a decision.
I’ve considered just walking away, but this isn’t what I want. Or do I tell him and risk that he may tell others about it, which could affect my reputation and my work? I’m drinking and not sleeping with the stress. Please help.
Coleen says
I think you know that if you continue in a relationship with him, you have to be honest. And, yes, you have to expect that he might be angry and feel deceived because you didn’t tell him before you slept together.
All you can do is go armed with all the information and even suggest taking him with you to a clinic to hear the facts from an expert, which might provide reassurance.
But even if he accepts that he can keep himself safe from the virus, the fact you weren’t honest with him from the start might be a deal-breaker because trust is an important part of any relationship.
As far as him telling other people goes, I would hope he wouldn’t be that vindictive and immature. But if he does, then you shouldn’t expect everyone to react in the same way. I have friends with HIV and it certainly wouldn’t stop me seeing them or working with them.
The problem is, the more you ignore it and keep it bottled up, the worse it all seems. And it’s affecting your health because you’re drinking too much and losing sleep.
Once he’s had time to digest it, he might be OK with it. If he’s not, then all you can do is learn from it, accept that he wasn’t the right person for you and ensure you don’t hit that problem again with next person you want to be serious with. Good luck.