MUM hates Me being a lesbian

Dear Coleen

I’m a single teenage mum of one and we live at home with my mother. I’ve known for years that I’m a lesbian, but my mum has a problem with it. She says she wants me to be “normal”, but for me my desires are normal!

I’ve had relationships with men just to please her, but I was never happy in those situations because I never fancied the guys. I had my daughter with one of them.

I can’t handle all the comments I get from my mum, who also complains about my weight.

Yes, I have gained the pounds – I’m back up to a size 20 – but I’m happy this size.

Can you offer any advice on how to deal with it? My daughter just wants a happy mum.

Coleen says

It sounds as if your mum wants you to be an entirely different person. But you mustn’t change for other people – not even your mum who is giving you and your daughter a roof over your heads.

I appreciate it’s tricky when you rely on your mum so much, but you have to stand up to her – no more dates with men to please her and if you decide to lose weight, do it for yourself because you want to feel healthier and not because she’s told you to do it.

If the desire to lose weight doesn’t come from you, you’ll fail anyway.

I think your mum’s attitude may come down partly to ignorance and fear. It’s out of her experience and comfort zone, so she doesn’t know how to react, other than to tell you it’s wrong and force you into relationships with men.

You might find it helpful to get in touch with belong at belongto.org – it’s an organisation that supports parents with lesbian, gay and bisexual children in Ireland. But, at the end of the day, if your mum won’t accept you for who you are, that’s essentially her problem to deal with.