Can’t trust HIM after He texted girls

Dear Coleen

I broke up with my fiancé a few weeks ago, as we weren’t getting on at all and every discussion erupted into a full-blown argument. It was too stressful for me, so I moved out of our shared flat and back in with my parents.

I think the arguments might have stemmed from the fact that a year ago I found he was messaging a couple of other women and, although I’ve tried to forget about it, every time we fall out, it comes up. I suppose I still feel hurt and insecure, and don’t trust him 100%.

However, I’ve told him I’m willing to try again, but we’re taking it slowly and I haven’t moved back in yet. Honestly, he’s making a huge effort and doing everything right, but I’m still not sure I’ve made the right decision.

Coleen says

You’re struggling to move past what he did and maybe that’s because you never addressed it properly at the time, so do it now.

If you don’t think the two of you can talk about it calmly, then have some counselling sessions so there’s a mediator present and you can each get the chance to talk in a controlled setting.

But if you agree to move on and give things a proper go, you can’t keep beating him up with this.

If he is making the effort to change and move on, then you have to do it too if you want to make a success of the relationship.

I believe people can learn from their mistakes and I also believe you can rebuild trust, as long as both of you are making the effort.

In terms of the arguing, if a discussion looks like it’s about to erupt into a row, agree to walk away and calm down, and then come back to it when you feel ready to resume.