Friends don’t know he cheated before we split
Dear Coleen
I split up with my husband six months ago and, since then, it’s become clear that quite a few of our mutual friends have taken his side. That sounds like a childish thing to say, but it’s how it feels.
Yes, I was the one who did the dumping, but what our friends don’t know is that he’d been having an affair for some time with a work colleague. At first I tried to give him another chance and move on, but I just couldn’t do it.
I haven’t told many people – only close family – as we have young children and I don’t want everyone gossiping about us.
I’m not trying to protect him, I feel I’ve been humiliated enough.
But now it feels as though I’m being judged and criticised by some friends when I’ve done nothing wrong. I’m not invited out any more and I heard through the grapevine that one so-called friend called me a disgrace for keeping my kids from their dad. I’m thinking about telling people what really went on, as it just feels so unfair. Why should he get all the sympathy and support?
I’d love your advice on this, because I’m thinking and stressing about it all the time.
Coleen says
To be honest, I think the only person you’re protecting here is your ex. I don’t know exactly how old your kids are but, if they’re young, there’s no reason they’d get to hear about the affair or be affected by what you tell other adults in confidence.
You don’t have to badmouth your ex, but just have a quiet word with these friends to let them know the facts. Explain that you haven’t said anything until now because you wanted to keep things private, not least because you have children. However, you’ve felt compelled to say something because you feel you’re the one being harshly judged and it’s affected your friendships.
If they can’t handle that, then they’re not proper friends and you’d be better moving on.
Stop wasting your energy worrying about what other people think and start focusing on your wellbeing and what you need to move forward. When couples break up it’s pretty normal for some mutual friends to fall by the wayside – the ones that really matter will stick by you. Good luck.