HATE IDEA OF TRIAL SEPARATION

Dear Coleen

My husband of four years has suggested we have a break from each other this summer as we haven’t been getting along.

I can’t bear to think about being apart from him and I’m worried that it’s the first step in us separating permanently.

I’m crying myself to sleep every night, but if I don’t agree to it I think he might end the marriage anyway. I’d love your advice on how to move forward.

Coleen says

I wonder why he wants to wait until the summer to have this break – why not now?

However, I think you’re right. If it’s something he feels he needs to do, then it’s pointless kicking against it. But I hope he’s being honest about his reasons and you’ve talked it through and each got your point of view across.

Yes, it’s a horrible position to be in if it’s not what you want, and I know you’re expecting the worst in that it’ll lead to a permanent separation, but there’s every chance it will have the opposite effect.

I know many couples for whom a trial separation has worked wonders – after proper time apart they’ve missed the other person and it’s made them realise how much they value their relationship and that it’s worth nurturing.

The bottom line is, you can’t force someone to stay with you or to love you. And if your husband decides he doesn’t want to work on the marriage, it won’t be because of anything you’ve done – people do fall out of love.

Before you have this break, agree on a timescale and make it clear that you’re not prepared to wait around indefinitely.

Also, just because you’re on a break doesn’t mean it’s a green light to be with other people. You’re on a break to see what you want, not to do what you want.