Upset that dad’s moved on so quickly after mum died
Dear Coleen
My mother died five months ago after a long illness. Naturally, myself and my younger brother and sister – we’re all in our 20s – were devastated by the loss of our mum, but what’s made it even harder is that my dad has already moved on with another woman.
We haven’t met her yet – and don’t want to – but he’s mentioned her.
They met through a local social club and started seeing each other about a month ago. None of us can believe the speed at which it’s happened. It feels as if our dad has lost his mind!
We don’t think he’s given himself enough time to grieve for our mum and come to terms with her death, but we also feel really hurt that he expects us to be OK with it. We are still getting used to being without her, and now we have this to deal with.
Our dad is normally such a safe and steady personality, and was devoted to our mum. This is already a difficult time for our family, so we don’t want to create more heartache by falling out with him. What’s your advice?
Coleen says
I get why you’re all upset, but I also think you need to give your dad a break. You don’t have to be best friends with this woman or even meet her if you don’t want to, but I think you should have a bit of compassion for him.
He was devoted to your mum throughout their life together, including seeing her through a long and painful illness. And, of course, if your mum was still here he wouldn’t be with anyone else. True, it’s only been five months, but when is the right time? I know people who moved on with someone else several years after the death of a partner, but their families still found it hard to accept.
When my sister died, my brother-inlaw went on a few dates and has been with a lovely woman for a couple of years now. I know some of my family found that hard, but I didn’t because I’d seen how great he’d been with my sister until she died and how devastated he was when she’d gone. I’m glad he’s found some happiness and I know my sister would be, too.
This relationship of your dad’s might not last. It might be just a moment of providing companionship, feeling happy and helping with grief. But it’s OK to talk to him about how you’re feeling and it doesn’t need to cause an argument or any bad feeling.
Say something along the lines of, “We’re glad that you’re happy, but we’re not ready to sit around a table with her or accept her as a new girlfriend yet”.
But don’t make him feel bad or guilty – trust me, inside he’ll still be grieving.