Heartbroken my flirting with married pal is over
Dear Coleen
I could really use some sensible advice. My husband and I are friends with a guy and his wife. He has been bullied in the workplace and we have been helping him through his depression.
Two months ago he told me he fancied me and would sleep with me if I were open to it.
Instead we shared a kiss and we have been snogging ever since. We still haven’t slept together as his depression is affecting his ability to perform. He is also 16 years older than me.
Then, last week, he told me we have to stop, which I agreed with, as we don’t want to hurt anyone.
But we are both heartbroken and have decided that we’re going to remain best friends.
We love each other, but it simply can’t continue as inevitably someone will end up finding out about us and it’ll be devastating for all concerned.
Although it’s only been two months, it has affected us badly and I feel so depressed and down. When it was going on, I was so happy and my husband was getting the benefits, if you know what I mean.
How do we get back to just being friends without wanting more?
Coleen says
Honestly, I don’t think you can. Once you’ve crossed that line, it’s hard to go back. I think it’s unrealistic to expect to be best mates if you want to end this flirtation. Also, I wonder how serious this thing between you really is because of the language you’re using. You’re talking a bit like it’s a teenage crush – “snogging” and remaining “best friends”.
Is it just a distraction from your own troubles?
Things can’t be great with your husband if you’re looking elsewhere for fulfilment. So I think you have to examine where you are in your marriage and what you can do to feel happier and more fulfilled if you want to stay with him.
From your letter it sounds as if your sex life isn’t satisfying and needs attention – but you know having an affair is not the answer.
Take yourself out of this little love bubble and imagine what things would be like if you were found out and it became real.
My advice would be to create some space between yourselves and this couple, so you can give your marriage some thought and attention, and decide what you want to do without being distracted by this other man.