Fallen out with my mate over our parenting styles
Dear Coleen
I’m a woman in my 30s and have a very good friend I’ve known since we were teenagers in the same class at school. We both have kids, but have quite different lifestyles.
I work full-time in a job that can be quite stressful, but I love it, and my mum helps out with childcare, picking them up from nursery and taking them back to mine for tea and bed.
My friend on the other hand is a stay-at-home mum with a wealthy husband and a very nice life.
She had a very good job before getting married, but gave it up once the kids came along.
I’ve always felt she judged me on my choice to go back to work full time, but then recently she actually came out and said she couldn’t do what I do and be apart from her kids that much, and she thinks my kids are losing out because I’m so consumed by my work.
I was incredibly hurt and annoyed by this, even though we’re close.
I’ve spoken to other people about it and they’ve all said not to let it ruin a great friendship, but right now we’re at a stand-off – I’m not calling her and she’s not calling me!
I feel so angry about this – am I making too much of it?
Coleen says
Ouch! I think it’s always unwise to criticise someone’s choices around parenting and work. You have to do what’s right for you and your family, and of course what works for you financially, too.
I think there are a couple of things at play here.
Yes, she’s being judgy, but perhaps she’s also a bit jealous of your lifestyle because you still have your job and a life outside of the family.
And, from your letter, I think you could be a little resentful of her because she doesn’t have to go out to work and perhaps you think she’s a little pampered and spoilt.
From the outside, it probably does look like she has a “very nice life” but, trust me, no one’s life is perfect.
You won’t solve anything by ignoring each other – you need to talk about it honestly and then move on from it. I understand why you’re hurt and angry – she’s made you feel like a bad mum and you’re not.
You’re working hard to provide for your kids and it’s a tough juggling act. But I think if you and your friend could understand each other’s situations better, then I don’t think you’d be judging each other.