Regret NOT HAVING KIDS NOW I’M 40

Dear Coleen

I’ve recently turned 40 and it’s had an odd effect on me. A few years ago, my husband and I decided not to have kids – it was a mutual thing – but now I’m starting to regret that choice and I don’t know how to bring it up with him.

He’s a couple of years older than I am, but I realise that at my age the odds are very low in terms of conceiving naturally. I just don’t want to regret not having a family and feel it’s now or never, however it happens – naturally, via fertility treatment or adoption.

I’m pretty sure my husband has closed the door on it and never mentions it, and we have a good life with lots of friends, fulfilling jobs and great holidays. We saw lots of our friends change when kids came along and we decided we didn’t want to make the sacrifices they did. Now, at 40, I’m not so sure.

Coleen says

I think how you’re feeling is a lot to do with reaching 40. If you were still 30, I bet you wouldn’t be giving it a second thought. And what you’re feeling isn’t unusual.

Because of your age, that option is going to be taken away from you and it’s making you think about it. For all you know, your husband might have similar thoughts, but is also frightened of bringing it up.

The first step has to be to talk about it and don’t be scared to be honest. Explain you’re worried about regretting the choice and then talk it out and really think about all the pros and cons.

Becoming a parent definitely does change your life and if you’ve got used to having a carefree life doing whatever you want, that isn’t going to happen when you have the responsibility of a child.