Calling Nicole out on no-texting madness
NICOLE Kidman recently supplied the secret to wedded bliss.
“We don’t text,” she revealed. “We call. And that’s 12 years of marriage.”
I have to admit, as theories go it didn’t sound completely ridiculous, especially by celebrity standards.
So I did an experiment that my husband had no idea about until he read this sentence. For the last week, I’ve employed The Kidman Method.
Main experiment variable to bear in mind: my husband is really nice. What can I say? Opposites attract. I accept no responsibility for the results if you try this on a normal person, and will not testify as part of their defence in court. DAY 1
He needs to pop to the supermarket on his way home – exactly the sort of thing I’d usually text about. When I go to ring instead, I have to scroll so far down my recent calls before seeing his name that my thumb gets a stitch.
He answers in a shaky voice – presuming it must be bad news because why else would I be ringing? When he finds out my call is only bread related, he’s delighted to hear from me, and we have a funny little chat. Nice one, Nicole. Then I realise we’re out of milk.
I call back and he goes through the same terror/ relief process, but up a gear because he just spoke to me, so why would I be calling back already? This has added a couple of minutes to the start of every conversation so far. It’s going to be a long week. DAY 2
So it turns out I usually text him when I think of something I want/need to ask/tell him, and he reads them when he can.
I’m not used to saving everything up to do in a oner. And so, I accidentally constantly interrupt him during a really busy day at work with seven phone calls – some with hours in-between, some back to back. Rather than ignoring me until it’s convenient, as he would with texts, he answers each one – in a panic, as previously covered. By call five, there’s a tone in his voice I’ve never heard before. Nicole would probably say discovering new things about each other is good... unfortunately this new thing seems to be that my husband wants to throttle me. DAY 3 Low point: him literally hissing – just like a cat, but this wasn’t the time to point that out – “No, I can NOT remember what time I fed the cats.”
High point: none. DAY 4
It was the plumber’s fault. Our boiler had broken, he was coming to fix it, and one of us needed to let him in. This required discussion and negotiation. Then the plumber’s plans changed, so we needed to rediscuss and renegotiate.
Then the plumber got held up, so we had to change the arrangement once again.
It should be noted that the plumber always called rather than texting, and I’m tempted to marry him just so I can divorce him for it. That may give you some indication of how my husband felt towards me by the end of the day. DAY 5 Experiment abandoned, because I am genuinely scared for my life.
Findings – this only works if you’re Nicole Kidman, and have a team of minions taking care of your life admin so the calls are just infrequent sweet nothings. If you’re not Nicole Kidman, you can turn the world’s kindest, most patient man into a psychotic nervous wreck in just four days. Phone calls – CU L8R.