My two-year marriage is boring and lacks passion

Dear Coleen

I’m in my 30s and have been married for two years. My husband is a nice guy and we get along really well as friends, but if I’m honest, the passion isn’t there. Life is good, but that’s it, and usually I don’t think about it too much.

Recently, however, we went away with a group of uni friends on a city break and one of the women brought her single friend, who I instantly clicked with. There was an obvious physical attraction there – something I haven’t felt with my husband since we were first dating.

Nothing happened on that trip, but I think he felt the same way about me.

Since returning, I’ve found myself thinking about this guy all the time and have even thought about trying to contact him.

This is really out of character for me – I’m usually a pretty cautious person – but the thought of being with someone where there’s passion and electricity is so intoxicating.

I know I’m married and should probably ignore these feelings, but the possibility of getting together with him is occupying my every waking hour.

What’s going on – should I ignore these feelings and just get on with my marriage?

Coleen says

I don’t think you should ignore these feelings because they’re obviously pointing to the fact that things aren’t right in your marriage, and that’s what you need to tackle.

You don’t know this guy at all, but you’re attracted by what he represents – excitement and sexual chemistry, which is what’s missing in your marriage. So I think caution is good in these circumstances.

You haven’t been married that long, so think about why you’re already feeling like this. What’s changed since you got married? Is sex boring? Have you both stopped making an effort with each other? You admit the sexual attraction was there at the start and you must have loved him to walk down the aisle. What you have to think about is whether you can get that back.

If you haven’t had a conversation with your husband about how you’re feeling, then you have to do it. All relationships need nurturing and, just because you’re married, doesn’t mean you can sit back and stop making an effort for each other.

Admit you’re worried about sustaining the marriage long term – he might be feeling the same – but you have to open up a dialogue.

I met this guy and think about him all the time