I FANTASISE ABOUT OTHER WOMEN

Dear Coleen

I’ve been married for five years and I love my wife, but I think a lot about what it would be like to sleep with other women.

I’ve never acted on these urges – I don’t want to cheat on her – but when we’re in bed together, that’s all I think about.

I know this can’t be normal, to constantly wish your partner were someone else, but the rest of our relationship works well.

We’re friends and we’d do anything for each other, and I know a lot of couples don’t have that kind of connection.

I’m sure she’d be horrified and very hurt if she knew what I was thinking, but I can’t seem to stop it.

I don’t really know where things have gone wrong or what to do about it – any advice?

Coleen says

Firstly, you might think everything else is great, but it isn’t because there’s this huge area where you’re feeling unfulfilled.

And it’s not a situation you can sustain – you have to confront it and commit to either trying to solve it together or to accept you can’t solve it and move on. If you don’t, then I think you’re putting yourself in a situation where you’re vulnerable to having affairs.

You can talk to her without admitting you fantasise about other women when you’re in bed with her. You could open up the conversation by asking her if she’s happy with your sex life and if she’d like to liven things up in that area. And tell her how you feel and what you’d like to happen – have some ideas before you talk to her and approach it positively.

The thing is, it’ll take both of you to reignite the spark, so she has to be willing to try.

But she’s not a mind reader so, as awkward as it is when you love someone, you have to own up to your feelings.