Eric and little Ern’s legacy of laughter
Monday’s Mirror “I always take my wife morning tea in my pyjamas, but is she grateful? No. She says she’d rather have it in a cup.”
“My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn’t take it out of my garden.”
“I get airsick just licking an airmail stamp.”
“I used to play football in my youth. Then my eyes went bad. That’s why I became a referee.”
Eric: “We’ve got a fella who’s going to come on in a few minutes’ time. He’s really clever because he swallows a four-foot sword.”
Ernie: “What’s clever about that?” Eric: “He’s only three foot tall.” Eric: “In the Army I was the general’s chauffeur until I was court martialled for obeying an order.” Ernie: “Court martialled for obeying an order? What order?”
Eric: “The general said:
‘Morecambe, you’ll drive me up the wall’. So I did.”
Ernie: “You have got to leave, and let me get on with my life.”
Eric: “What will you do with it?” Ernie: “I have an aptitude for the written word. I have a natural bent.”
Eric: “Well, have a look. It could be your braces. They might be twisted.” Eric watches a police car whizz past with sirens blaring, he comments to Ernie: “He won’t sell much ice-cream going at that speed.” Eric Morecambe as Cyrano de Bergerac: “What would it take for you to kiss me?” Penelope Keith as the Queen of France: “Chloroform.” Ernie: “I hear you were in the Army.” Eric: “Yes. I joined for three reasons.”
Ernie: “What were they?”
Eric: “First, to defend my country. Second, I knew it would make a man of me. Third, they sent round two in Gene Kelly tribute big blokes in red hats to get me.”
Eric: “What’s on the television?”
Ernie: “A fruit bowl and an ashtray.” Ernie: “My auntie’s got a Whistler.”
Eric: “There’s a novelty.”
Ernie: “I’ve extended my repertoire.” Eric: “It doesn’t show from back there.” Ernie: “I’ve got some great news.” Eric: “What? Has Des O’connor got a sore throat?”
Ernie: “He says he’s a self made man.”
Eric: “Good of him to take the blame.”
Ernie: “You’re not blond!”
Eric, wearing blond wig: “Well I think blond. I’m blond minded.”
Ernie, pulling off Eric’s wig: “Then Des was target of string of gags why do you have dirty brown hair?” Eric: “Because I’m dirty minded as well.”
Eric, on being asked what he and Ernie would be if they weren’t comedians: “Mike and Bernie Winters.”
“People always ask me if Ernie really does wear a wig. I’m sworn to secrecy, but let’s just say he keeps Axminster Carpets in business. Without him, they’d be on the floor.” Eric: “Remember how we copied Abbott and Costello when we started? How we liked Laurel and Hardy, and Jewel and Warriss?” Ernie: “We must be a mix of all of them. Yet, pal, we’ve found our own style. We lean on each other.”
Eric: “Is that what it is? I thought you were drunk…”
Eric, as the Duke of Wellington, lies on a bed with Vanessa Redgrave as Empress Josephine.
Eric: “Would you like something to warm you up?”
Vanessa: “I would, very much…” Eric: “Good, I think I’ve some extrastrong mints in my greatcoat.”
In the 1972 Christmas special the duo put on antlers and furry onesies to play reindeer waiting for Santa on a chilly rooftop. “Wonder how long that white-haired fool’s going to be down there?” Eric says, shivering by a chimney. “My fetlocks have frozen together.”
For the 1975 special, Eric is horrified by Ernie’s Christmas gift to him – a Des O’connor record. Just then, Des turns up… and demands an explanation for years of ridicule.
In 1976 the pair paid homage to Gene Kelly’s Singin’ in the Rain, Ernie taking the lead role, while Eric played the soaked policeman. In their sketch The Breakfast, the pair are listening to the radio in the kitchen as they start the day. As the tune The Stripper comes on, they perform a perfectly timed dance using various kitchen utensils and food items.
The scene sees Ernie catch slices of toast as they pop out of the toaster, and open the fridge door to be bathed in light, as if on stage. Meanwhile they both pull out strings of sausages which they whirl around to the music.