It’s upset me that he said he doesn’t want to marry
Dear Coleen
I’ve been with my partner for a couple of years now. At the start, things were great, but over this past year it hasn’t been the same and I worry about how committed he is.
In the past he’s had lots of girlfriends – one he nearly married, but she dumped him before the wedding. We’re both 50 and he’s told me he never wants to get married now, but he has asked me to live with him.
Now, I can’t stop thinking about the fact that he wanted to marry this other woman, but not me.
I don’t know why I’m suddenly bothered by it as I’ve been married before and never really wanted to do it again.
He explained his reasons by saying he’d been badly hurt when his fiancee dumped him and also that every other girlfriend left him.
I’ve become a bit paranoid, though, especially over his friendships with female colleagues. Why do I feel like this and am I just sabotaging what was a really good thing? I’ve always known about his past and his engagement, but it only seems to matter now he’s admitted marriage isn’t an option for us.
Coleen says
OK, so you’ve admitted that you’re not bothered about getting married again, so I think it’s probably an ego thing: “He wanted to marry her, so why not me?” But you can’t know how past experience has impacted him, and if he’s been hurt and humiliated then naturally he won’t be keen to put himself in that situation again.
But you say he wants to move in with you and take your relationship a step further, so that’s evidence of him making a commitment to you.
You’ll know a piece of paper that says you’re married doesn’t change anything, but if it doesn’t work out, it’s a lot harder to walk away.
People seem to think it’s easy to get a divorce, but as someone who’s done it and is doing it again, I can tell you it’s not. It’s painful and clinical and financially draining.
So, I think you should ignore the shouts of your ego and see how it is living together.
He obviously wants to be with you if he wants to share a home with you.