The X Factor 2030? I’ll be the judge of that
UNWELCOME, painful and impossible to get rid of. Yes, the herpes of the TV schedule – The X Factor – is back.
As always, it’s same schtick, different year, with everything following the usual tired old pattern yet again.
For those of you who tuned out ages ago, we’re currently at the stage of pre-publicity where Simon admits that he didn’t have much fun last year (despite all those interviews in which he raved about how much fun he was having), but that this year the new panel are so great that he’s having loads of fun with them.
Then the new panel talk about how much fun they’re having too, in a fast-escalating, increasingly exhausting fun-off. This fun is nothing like last year’s fun, which turned out not to be real, of course. It’s all new, completely different fun. This year’s panel are Robbie Williams, Robbie Williams’ wife – real name: Just A Member Of The Public – and One Direction’s Louis Tomlinson.
In this new – FUN! – line-up, Simon has finally found the magic formula then. Interesting. So if we decode it, we can pretty much predict The X Factor panels for the next decade at least.
It’s Simon Cowell, a pop star who only appeals to the over-30s (as no one younger than that has a clue who he is), a member of the public and, because t’was ever thus, someone called Louis.
OK, so...
2020 PANEL
COWELL: Simon Cowell.
His face is so overpumped with filler at this point that he’s basically just a head on a desk, but he’s there. POP STAR OF
YESTERYEAR: Limahl from
Kajagoogoo.
If he’s not too shy.
LOUIS: Spence.
On a specially made chair because the wind changed in 2019 and he’s now stuck in splits position. MEMBER OF PUBLIC:
Your nan.
2023 PANEL COWELL: Simon
Cowell.
A couple of facelifts too many mean his
mouth is now on his forehead, but he can still make, “It’s a no from me” come out of it, so #winning POP STAR OF YESTERYEAR:
Shakin’ Stevens.
LOUIS: Theroux.
Half for the money, half because he’s making a documentary about being a judge on a reality show.
MEMBER OF PUBLIC: Your nan’s friend.
2025 PANEL
COWELL: Simon Cowell. Showcasing the world’s first head transplant, he genuinely does look much younger. And now we understand why he had that kid. POP STAR OF YESTERYEAR:
Vanilla Ice.
LOUIS: Hamilton.
Had to change the spelling of his first name to get the gig, but that’s showbiz. MEMBER OF PUBLIC: Your nan’s
friend’s dog.
2028 PANEL
COWELL: Simon Cowell. Giving feedback by tapping the inside of the tank he’s been cryogenically frozen in. POP STAR OF YESTERYEAR:
Dane Bowers.
LOUIS: Prince of Cambridge. What? William and Kate’s youngest will be 10 by then – late to the game in child star terms. MEMBER OF PUBLIC: Your nan’s
friend’s dog’s friend.
2030 PANEL
COWELL: Simon Cowell.
Now appearing in hologram form from the future, which he owns. Still wearing the same outfit as always, obv. POP STAR OF YESTERYEAR:
One of the blokes from Another Level who isn’t even Dane Bowers.
LOUIS: XIV of France.
Via ouija board. MEMBER OF PUBLIC: Your nan’s friend’s dog’s friend’s dog.