I keep falling for married men and ending up alone
Dear Coleen
I’m a 38-year-old woman and I’ve had four long-term relationships, which have all been with men who were married or already in a relationship with someone else.
I realise that sounds very bad but, trust me, I’m the one who’s ended up getting hurt the most when each relationship has ended.
The first couple of times it was me who walked away – both those guys were happy to carry on having an affair with me so long as their wives didn’t find out. Neither had any intention of leaving their wife for me, but I wanted more and, when I realised I’d never get it, I walked away.
With the third relationship I was dumped a few weeks before he got married, which hurt like hell at the time because I really liked him.
The fourth relationship ended recently after I discovered via a friend that his girlfriend is pregnant and due to have the baby in a couple of months – something he never mentioned.
What do I do? I feel caught on a roundabout I can’t get off and want to know why I’m attracted to these married guys.
My friends are getting fed up with me and don’t approve.
What’s your advice?
Coleen says
I don’t know why you keep going for men where the relationship can’t possibly work, but it would be worth exploring it through therapy. Visit the Irish Association for Counselling & Psychotherapy at www.iacp.ie to find a qualified therapist.
Is there something in your family background or relationships growing up that might be relevant? It’s as if you keep sabotaging any chance of a happy, fulfilling relationship.
It’s worth realising that ending up with one of these past lovers wouldn’t have made you feel special or secure – if he can cheat on a wife or girlfriend, then he can do the same to you.
Maybe you’re addicted to the drama and the thrill of having something that’s out of bounds – again it’s worth thinking about where that pattern comes from.
The bottom line is, choosing married guys is stopping you from moving on with your life and getting what you really want – a fulfilling relationship with someone you don’t have to share.
I’m not surprised your friends are getting fed up – it must be frustrating for them to see you constantly repeat the same mistake.
So the next time you meet a man and find out he’s attached, run away!