Are we too different for our relationship to last?
Dear Coleen
I have a boyfriend, but I’m starting to question the relationship. We’ve been dating for about three years, but I’ve always had feelings for a male friend, which is confusing.
My boyfriend doesn’t help matters because he can get really jealous and unreasonable when it comes to me seeing my friends, many of whom are guys.
The friend I have feelings for is very different to my boyfriend – he’s outgoing and sociable like me, while my boyfriend would rather stay at home.
We’re both 28 and I don’t want to be stuck at home every night with a TV dinner – I want to be out having fun with other people.
When we got together he knew I had a big circle of friends but now he seems to have a problem with it and it causes lots of arguments.
I don’t want to cut my friends off, but I do love my boyfriend and we do have a really good time when we’re together. What do you think? I’m wondering whether we’re just too different for this relationship to last in the long term.
Coleen says
I think you know the answer deep down, but you can’t seem to make the break. I don’t think it’s a good sign that he tries to control who you see or what you do, and it’s usually a sign of someone who’s insecure themselves.
This other guy represents the kind of thing you’re missing in your relationship and that could be why you’re feeling drawn to him. Maybe he’s the one for you or maybe not, but before jumping into something else, make a decision about your relationship.
Perhaps taking some time out from it will help you to see things with a clearer head and you’ll feel more confident about making a decision as to where you go next. It’s not healthy for any relationship to exclude friends, and this would set alarm bells ringing for me.
You can accept someone’s differences and still get along like a house on fire – opposites attract, as the saying goes – and you can compromise on things, but you can’t change who they are as a person and you shouldn’t try to.
If you feel he’s trying to change who you are and stop you being who you want to be, then I think you have your answer.