Husband has opted out of family to ‘find himself’
Dear Coleen
My husband of 25 years moved out, telling me he wants to find himself. He is 48 years old and he also admitted that he has a “friend”, a woman of 53 who he met at the gym. She is also married and has two grown-up kids.
We also have two children – one is away at university while our younger son is still living at home.
My husband and this woman now chat all the time on Whatsapp – something he never used before meeting her.
He now doesn’t want anything to do with me and just sits around playing video games on his tablet, barely participating in a thing that goes on in the house.
We’ve had many arguments about this relationship, but he keeps saying she is just a “friend” and he is not willing to give her up. What should I do?
When I asked him what’s on his mind he said “nothing”. I asked him if he feels guilty and he said “no”. I asked him what I should do while he’s off finding himself and he said I can do whatever I want.
As much as I try to understand him, I just can’t. Please help.
Coleen says
Wow, what an incredibly selfish person. It sounds like he’s hit a mid-life crisis and doesn’t know what he wants, but he can’t be this blasé about it and just expect you to hang around while he discovers what he’s looking for.
The thing is, he might come back and tell you he’s realised that he no longer wants to be with you, so it’s important that you focus on yourself and your kids and consider what you want.
He’s found this other woman and doesn’t care how you feel about it, so I think you need to start being selfish.
First of all, don’t let him come home and sit around playing games on his tablet.
When he wants to see your son, make proper arrangements for that.
Treat it like a separation and talk about a timeframe – you can’t just wait around while he decides what he’s doing. It’s worth considering mediation or relationship therapy to talk through navigating this.
Right now, it all seems very vague. He’s totally taking you for granted and seeing how far he can push it.