The good , the bad , the ugly and the downright weird & wonderful... my seasonal football awards for 2018
IT was the year England fans channelled their inner Atomic Kitten to tell Gareth Southgate he still turned them on.
When Germany flopped so badly at the World Cup they were on their sunbeds before the knockouts began and Harry Kane won the Golden Boot with two-thirds of his goals coming from penalties and a wild fluke.
When Pep Guardiola’s Manchester City won the Premier League with a ton of points, Liverpool’s hopes of a sixth European Cup suffered concussion in Kiev, and Jose Mourinho came down with another bout of third-season sacking syndrome.
But before we bid 2018 adieu, let’s hand out some seasonal gifts...
FINEST QUOTE
NEIL WARNOCK spoke for the nation by saying that, when he dies, he doesn’t want a minute’s silence at grounds: “I want them all to be chanting Warnock’s a w **** r’ for a whole minute.” Carlos Carvalhal came up with a lovely analogy about the FA Cup: “Replays are a bit like the Police Academy films. First there is one and then there is too many.”
But master Tweeter Neville Southall (below) wins for laying into government advice to LGBT fans heading to Russia, which warned them to hide their sexuality in public: “Why would you put the World Cup in a country where human rights are s**t and homophobia is horrendous? England should send the LGBT team to represent them. F**k Putin, here’s our gay team. What are you going to do now?”
MOST MOVING SIGHT
SUPPORTER groups gathered outside some of our biggest grounds to collect food from fans to be delivered to nearby food banks. We saw peace finally descend on the Emirates, along with tears, as Arsene Wenger bowed out gracefully from Arsenal after 22 era-defining years. But nothing matched Leicester City and their magnificent response (below) to the horrific helicopter crash at their ground that killed the man who made the modern club, Vichai Srivaddhanaprabha. It was dignified, heartfelt, humbling, pitch perfect and, for the second time in two years, won them the nation’s hearts.
SADDEST SIGHT
WE looked on open-mouthed at Premier League chairmen turning up to a London meeting to vote outgoing CEO Richard Scudamore a £5million golden handshake. We felt embarrassment and disbelief when Ada Hegerberg picked up UEFA’S inaugural woman’s Ballon d’or, only to be asked by the wacky French DJ host if she could “twerk”. But two vile incidents, a banana thrown on Arsenal’s pitch at Pierre-emerick Aubameyang (below) and the following week at Chelsea, Raheem Sterling being subjected to vile abuse, showed that the bad old days of racism had never gone away.
FUNNIEST STROP
HARRY KANE threw his kid’s dummy out of her pram as he tried to nick a goal at Stoke to overtake Mo Salah’s total, saying: “I swear on my daughter’s life, I touched it.” Mourinho had more tantrums, committing GBH on an Old Trafford water bottle holder. But the winner by several octaves is Jason Cundy (left), who attacked the BBC for letting Vicky Sparks commentate on a World Cup game: “I prefer to hear a male voice when watching football. Ninetyminutes of hearing a highpitched tone isn’t really what I would like to hear,” he screeched in a voice more highpitched than a choir boy before his balls drop.
WEIRDEST WTF MOMENT
GARETH BALE’S worldie in the Champions League final (above) failing to make UEFA’S goal of the season short list and Lionel Messi finishing fifth in the Ballon d’or were just bizarre. Although not as bizarre as Manchester United unveiling their “coup” of signing Alexis Sanchez from under the noses of their noisy neighbours with a moody film of the Chilean playing the piano, which turned out to be the only decent note he hit all year. But the winner came in Russia, during the Argentina v Nigeria game, when the world looked on open-mouthed as Diego Maradona danced with a woman in the crowd, fell asleep, flipped the bird at fans and keeled over. Making you wish you could have a sip of that “little bit of white wine” he claimed to have had.
THAT DIDN’T LAST LONG AWARD
CONTENDERS are Alan Pardew (below) as West Brom manager, due to 10 games without a win, Mo Salah in the Champions League final thanks to Sergio Ramos breaking his shoulder, and Burnley’s return to Europe after 51 years which was over before the end of August. But none had a shelf-life shorter than the survey Everton sent to supporters asking them to rate the performance of manager Sam Allardyce (left) on a scale of zero to 10. After quickly realising how many zeros they’d invited, the club pulled it, apologised and blamed it on a “marketing error”. But still no apology for the recruit- ment error.
MOST HYSTERICAL RUSH TO JUDGEMENT
SOME loved VAR, many others, like Alan Shearer (who called it a “shambles” during an FA Cup game and “complete and utter b ***** s” during the World Cup), loathed it. But it’s not Marmite. It’s garlic bread. It’s the future. There was much handwringing when England lost their first Nations League game at home to Spain, with many saying Southgate’s side had finally been sussed now they’d met a proper team. Wrong.
But worst of all were the attacks on new Arsenal boss Unai Emery (above) after opening defeats to Man City and Chelsea.
They said he was naive and out of his depth. So, he went on a 22-game unbeaten run to prove them wrong.
MOST ELOQUENT ‘UP YOURS’ AWARD
WHEN Mesut Ozil posed for a photo with Turkey’s president some said it proved he didn’t care about their country and made him the scapegoat for Germany’s disastrous World Cup.
He replied: “I’m German when we win, but I’m an immigrant when we lose. Podolski and Klose are never referred to as German-polish, so why am I German-turkish? Is it because I’m a Muslim?”
Even better was Raheem Sterling’s after he used the racist abuse he received from Chelsea fans to highlight a deeper issue: the different treatment young successful black men receive from young successful white men in sections of the UK media (left).
It’s a gamechanger that will benefit many whose names we don’t yet know.