My stepdaughters want nothing to do with me

Dear Coleen

My husband was married when I met him and had two young daughters. His wife has never got over it and still won’t really speak to me.

Their daughters used to spend every other weekend with us, plus holidays, and I’ve tried so hard to make them like me. It hasn’t been easy and it’s felt quite thankless.

I’ve also contributed to their upkeep financially, and I know I’ve been a good stepmother to them.

As they reached their teens and twenties we started to see less of them, but I figured that was fairly normal at their age as they were off building careers and lives of their own.

They’re now in their mid to late twenties, however, and they’ve decided they want nothing more to do with me. I’m so hurt.

I can’t help thinking that their mother has had something to do with this and has turned them against me over the years.

My husband is caught in the middle of all this bad feeling and they’ve agreed that they’ll only come to our house or attend a family event when I’m not there.

I’m completely heartbroken – not only about losing them from my life but also by my husband’s refusal to stand up to them.

What do you suggest I do?

I reckon their mother’s turned them against me

Coleen says

This is such a difficult situation for everybody concerned. I know you’re mad at your husband, but none of this is his fault and he’s in an almost impossible situation, torn between his kids and his wife. To be honest, I think you have to let this one go. If I had two grown-up stepdaughters who I had been nothing but lovely to and they still decided to cut me off, then I’m sorry but I wouldn’t want to see them either.

It sounds as if they blame you for their parents’ divorce, and perhaps their mum has been turning them against you all these years but, I’m sorry, they’re mature women now and they need to grow up a bit.

But they’re free to make their own decisions and if they’ve decided they don’t want to see you then there isn’t really much you can do about it.

Something I’ve learnt over the years is that you can’t force family members together, even with biological families let alone step-families.

I think you need to be the bigger person here and just move on. Let your husband see them and don’t bad mouth them to him because he’s their dad.

They may come round, but if not you’ll just have to get on with things.