Planning to marry but I think she wants to split
Dear Coleen
I’ve been with my fiancée for three years and we’re both 25. We’ve been saving up to move in together and had planned to get married next year. However, she’s started arguing with me over stupid things and makes excuses all the time not to meet up.
The other night we had a major showdown and she told me she wanted a break from me for a while to think things over and that it was “her, not me”, which sounds like a cliché if ever I’ve heard one.
I’m broken hearted as I love her and do my best to please her, but it seems it’s not good enough. Sex went off the boil a few months ago or, more accurately, she was never interested whenever I initiated it.
She claims she’s stressed because of work and family commitments, but I get the feeling that’s just an excuse.
When we argued the other night, she suggested cancelling our summer holiday, which we’ve booked with the whole family and have been looking forward to for ages.
Do you think I’m flogging a dead horse and that I should just call it a day before she dumps me?
Coleen says
Well, I might be wrong here, but she could be trying to push you to end the relationship because she hasn’t got the guts to do it herself. If I were you, I’d give her the space she’s asked for, so she can see what it’s really like to be apart from you. That means no texting, no calling, no emailing.
She’ll either come back because she’s missed you and realises what she has to lose or she won’t. Either way, you’ll know for sure.
You could also suggest putting a time limit on the break (you’re not going to hang around indefinitely, after all) and when it’s up, sit down together and talk it through.
I don’t know why she’s gone cold on the relationship and needs time out – only she can answer that one – but perhaps the prospect of owning a home together and committing to marriage seems a bit overwhelming and she wants to put the brakes on to make sure it’s what she really wants.
When it comes to sex, you’re both young and it shouldn’t feel like a big effort to make love. The question you need to ask yourself is: “Do I want to fight to stay with someone who keeps coming up with excuses about why she doesn’t want to be with me?”