We are engaged but she keeps contacting her ex
Dear Coleen
I’ve been with my girlfriend for six years and we’ve been engaged 18 months and have started planning the wedding. However, a couple of years ago, I discovered she’d been in touch with an ex and they’d been sexting.
She claimed it was just messaging and nothing had happened, and also promised she’d stop contacting him. Her reasons were pretty vague – it was just a bit of fun and it got out of hand.
I proposed to her a few months later, thinking we were back on track, and she accepted. But at the start of this year a mutual friend told me he’d seen her and this guy having a drink.
I confronted her and we had a huge row where she admitted they’d slept together, but only once.
Again, I forgave her after she deleted his contacts and we’ve carried on, trying to work things out. Last week, I used her ipad to look something up and a message popped up from him, so they’re back in touch after she promised not to have anything more to do with him. I feel like a total fool but, the thing is, I love her and want to marry her, so what do I do?
Coleen says
I think if she were genuinely sorry the first time round and realised the impact her actions had on you and the relationship, then she wouldn’t have done it again – and again. Once can be a mistake and highlight a crisis in a relationship, which you can then work on, but several times is a choice – it’s as simple as that.
She’s playing by her own rules and not respecting the boundaries of a committed relationship. She thinks she can carry on because there are no consequences – you keep forgiving her. Yes, it’s hard to walk away when you love someone, but how can you carry on planning your wedding and then walk down the aisle not knowing whether you can trust this woman?
You need to take some control back and, if I were you, I’d tell her you want to postpone the wedding and take a proper break to decide if being with her is what you want.
You might decide that you are OK on your own and feel relief that you’re not constantly worried about your partner cheating. Or she might realise what she has to lose and make a huge effort to work on the relationship and prove to you that you can trust her.
But you can’t carry on the way things are. If you do decide to give it another go, then you need to talk about why she hooked up with her ex and what’s missing from your relationship. If you can’t do this together, then seek relationship therapy to help you work through it.