Fury at her fling confession

Dear Coleen

My wife and I are both in our mid-50s and our youngest child has just gone to university, so it’s just the two of us at home for the first time in 18 years.

I don’t know why, but the other night we got talking about the past (over a few drinks) and she admitted to me that she slept with a guy she was close to 25 years ago while we were fairly newly married, but before our kids came along.

At the time, I knew something was going on and I challenged her, but she said that, although she fancied him, nothing sexual happened. We got over it and, as far as I know, she never did anything like that again.

I’m wondering why she’s admitted to the sex now. Maybe she thought I’d be OK with it all these years later, but I’m angry and feel betrayed and taken for granted.

I can barely look at her right now and I feel it’s ruined everything. Have you any advice?

Coleen says

It sounds as if she’s been carrying a lot of guilt around and wants to be honest with you now. Maybe she thought as so much time has passed and your relationship is strong, you’d be able to bear it. And I imagine she didn’t tell you at the time because she was afraid you’d leave her.

Of course I understand why you feel betrayed and hurt, and I don’t think you can brush it under the carpet – you need to talk about it properly and you could do this in couples counselling.

You must feel as if your marriage has been built on a lie and she needs to appreciate that. However, something has kept you together all these years, so there has to be good foundations there and something you can build on. So it’s also important to appreciate the many positives. It could take some time to work through this, but your relationship might emerge even stronger.