FRIENDS DON’T SEEM BOTHERED WHEN I’M DOWN

Dear Coleen

I’m a woman in my 30s and have had a particularly bad year. I dropped out of a course I’d invested a lot of myself in (not to mention my savings), and my relationship with my boyfriend has also been going downhill rapidly. Work is no better – I’ve grown to hate it and resent every moment I spend there.

However, my reason for writing in is that my friends seem to have deserted me when I need them the most. I’ve worked out that they’re around when things are going great, but not one of them has asked how I am or made any effort to find out what’s been going on and why I’m around less.

I feel really angry, but don’t know what to do about it.

Coleen says

Well, you know the old saying that you find out who your real friends are when things are going badly. Maybe you do need a friend overhaul. Maybe you need more people who are there in the bad times as well as the good.

But also, I wonder if you’ve actually told any of your friends how bad things have been for you and how you’re feeling about it all? When they ask “How are you?” do you say “Fine” or are you honest? The thing is, you need to tell people or they can’t support you and that does mean exposing a more vulnerable side of yourself, which not everyone finds easy to do. So I’d start by trying that before you detox your social circle.

As far as the course goes, it sounds as if it wasn’t right for you, but now you know that you can start turning your attention to other opportunities that might pave the way for a career change.

The only way of knowing what we want is to try things and they don’t always work out.