HE FORGAVE MY FLING BUT STILL WON’T TRUST ME

Dear Coleen

I’ve been married for nearly 10 years and despite trying to make it work, I don’t think my husband will ever get over the fact I had an affair three years into our marriage.

When he found out, he was desperate to make things work and said he forgave me and so on. But deep down he hasn’t forgiven me and constantly brings it up.

The problem is, he still doesn’t trust me, which leads to lots of arguments and he’s suspicious all the time, wanting to know who I’ve seen or spoken to.

Lockdown was easier because we were stuck at home and relied on each other more. But since things have been eased, I’ve found myself back in the same position, having to justify my every move, even if it’s just coffee with a friend.

What can I do?

Coleen says

Maybe he thought he could get over your affair by just putting it in the past, but it’s not that straightforward for most people.

If you didn’t have therapy at the time or never even talked properly to each other about the affair – what led to it, the problems in your marriage and a plan for rebuilding – then he’s going to be left with those feelings churning away inside.

As a result, his behaviour is really controlling and fuelled by suspicion, and your marriage is miserable. It’s also damaging your self- esteem and you can’t keep being made to pay for what happened.

Your husband either commits wholeheartedly to moving on or you have to separate.

If you think it’s too late for relationship counselling, then start taking steps to get out of the marriage. Don’t waste another seven years of your life being unhappy and feeling indebted to your husband for taking you back. It doesn’t sound as if it’s working for either of you. Good luck.