ANGRY HE’S STILL WATCHING PORN

Dear Coleen

Recently, I had to borrow my husband’s laptop to work on, as our son was using my computer for schoolwork.

I then discovered my husband had been viewing porn – and a lot of it – which has made me mad as it’s something we’ve argued about in the past and he promised he wouldn’t do it any more.

I know people have different opinions on porn, but I hate it and strongly believe it’s degrading and exploitative. My husband argues that he would never look at anything abusive or really hardcore, and that he’s been looking at it on and off since he was a teenager.

I’ve been really snappy with him since because I feel so let down. Do you have any advice?

Coleen says

I think the problem with banning porn is that it probably just makes it more attractive and thrilling. And it didn’t work before so now he’s hiding it from you like a naughty schoolboy which isn’t great for your relationship.

Naturally, you feel let down because he’s broken a promise but I wonder if it might help to actually know what type of porn he’s looking at – would that make you feel more comfortable or less threatened?

Perhaps the only way of moving forward would be to investigate some compromises – for example, he hides it better, but is transparent about the type of porn he’s looking at.

I wonder what your sex life is like – are you happy with it and is he? One of the problems with overuse of porn is that it can ruin the real thing.

And if his use of porn is making you feel insecure, then you have to be honest about that and he needs to provide reassurance. You need to really listen to each other’s point of view and find a solution, so it doesn’t keep getting dragged up and cause arguments.