It’s so hard to be happy for my husband’s selfish sister

Dear Coleen

I have a huge problem with my husband’s sister. She’s eight years older than him and was tr ying for years to conceive through IVF and, happily, is finally pregnant and due to give birth in May.

The thing is, when we had our son, who’s now 18 months, she practically cut us off. She told her mum she couldn’t bear to be around us or acknowledge our son because of the pain of not being able to conceive.

S he never got i n t ouch t o say congratulations and has only seen him once since he was born, which was awkward to say the least. At the time, I was upset and angry with her, too.

But here’s the thing, now she’s complaining that we haven’t been happy about her baby news or been in touch enough! I find this extraordinary, given the way she’s treated us.

She is the most selfish, self- absorbed person I ’ve ever met and now expects us to be jumping for joy because she’s having a baby. I don’t know how to move on with her. I wish I could just ignore her, but it’s hard because my husband’s family are so tight- knit. Any advice?

Coleen says

She does sound self- absorbed. What I ’d do in this situation is be the bigger person. I know that can be hard when you feel you’ve done nothing wrong, but I think it’s a mistake to get into a game of tit for tat, the main reason being it’ ll affect your happiness and peace of mind.

I ’m sure your husband and the rest of t he f amily can see how sh e’s behaving, but it sounds like they might have got used to walking on eggshells around her and don’t want to rock the boat. They are probably also making allowances for the fact she’s been under a lot of stress with IVF.

Don’t react to her in the way she might expect. Kill her with kindness and, if you don’t react to her in a negative way, then she has nowhere to go with it. If you want to go into the bathroom and scream into a towel, that’s fine!

Attempt an honest conversation – ask why she feels the way she does. It might start off with her being angry, but when someone’s very calm in front of you and you’re irate, you do start to calm down. Don’t go in all guns blazing, because if you say things in anger, you’re not heard properly.

She expects us to be jumping for joy over baby