Best friend bit my head off when I told her I’d got a job

Dear Coleen

I’m a woman in my 30s and married with two young children. I’ve got a best friend who I grew up with and we’ve always been very close.

She also has kids and is married, but I know it’s been a struggle for her, as they’ve split up a couple of times. They’re now together and things seem to be going well.

A couple of weeks ago, we were having a coffee when I told her I’d got a great new job, and I’d be working full time from September.

I’m very excited about it, so I was talking about what it would involve and how I’d manage with the kids and so on. In the middle of the conversation, she broke in and said, “Look, it’s great and I’m happy for you, but I don’t want to hear about it all the time”.

I was stunned and quite upset, so asked her why she’d say that, to which she replied, “Because you’re so self-involved and you always have been”.

I feel bad, but also quite angry. Even if I had been going on a bit, she didn’t have to be quite so blunt. Now I don’t know what I can or can’t say to her without offending her!

Coleen says

This sounds more about her than you to be honest.

Maybe she’s jealous that you’ve found this great new job, particularly if things haven’t been going so well in her life, and she’s feeling a bit hard done by or sorry for herself.

It sounds like you have a lifelong friendship, so rather than sweep this under the carpet, have a longer conversation and talk it out.

You say things are going well in her marriage now, but maybe they’re not – maybe she’s just telling you that to keep up appearances or thinks you won’t want to hear about it.

If you have a deeper conversation, you can take turns and listen to each other.

Even the best friendships can hit a barrier, but if this friend is important to you then offer an olive branch and try to work it out.

Hopefully, she feels bad now for being miserable about your new job and I’m sure she doesn’t want to fall out with you.

If you do that and she’s still got an axe to grind, then take a step back and give her some space to work through her issues.

She said I’m self-involved and always have been