Worried how I will cope now that we’ve agreed to divorce

Dear Coleen

I’m a woman in my early 50s and my husband and I have agreed to separate after years of unhappiness. There’s no one else involved on either side, but our kids are independent now and it felt like we were just waiting for them to fly the nest before ending the marriage.

We’re very different people and want different things, and I suppose when our kids were young, they distracted us from the elephant in the room – that we shouldn’t be together and probably should have married other people.

Our kids know about it and have been very good and also supportive. My husband has found somewhere to live, although hasn’t moved out yet, and everything is pretty amicable.

However, as the days are going by, I’m finding myself getting more and more upset about the thought of us splitting up, even though I know in my heart it’s the right decision.

I’ve cried myself to sleep on more than one occasion and don’t know how I’m going to cope, despite the fact I’ve been craving having the house (and my life) to myself again. Am I going mad?

Coleen says

No you’re not. However you both feel at the end, even if you’re not in love with each other any more, you’ve still shared a life and brought up children, so it’s going to be hard and it’s going to feel sad.

I knew it was the right decision to separate from my second husband – we just weren’t on the same page any more – and I was looking forward to being on my own and starting again in my new home. But I still had times when I felt scared about facing the future alone and felt emotional when I thought of what we’d created together.

Now, though, I’ve never been happier and we have a good relationship because we’re what we should have always been – great mates.

It seems you’re both in agreement and the kids are handling it well, so there’s no reason why you still can’t be a family, but just without the intimacy of marriage.

And it would be good to know you can call on him when you need support with something. My ex, Ray, stays at the house sometimes to spend time with our daughter Ciara and I always have a list of jobs when he comes over – usually help with paperwork, as he’s much better at it than I am.

Equally, when he moved into his new place, I took him shopping and gave him advice on what to buy. We’ve supported each other and it’s worked.

When we were together towards the end of the marriage, I wasn’t happy and neither was he, and we’ve both flourished since the split. Yes, it’s daunting, but you can still be friends and co-parents once you’ve spent time apart and the dust has settled.

It’s amicable but I’ve been crying myself to sleep...