Mum says that I’m selfish and visiting her is a ‘chore’

Dear Coleen

I’ve fallen out badly with my mum and would like your opinion on whether I’m being selfish, as she claims.

She had a massive go at me the other day when I was at her house with my kids and told me not to bother visiting her and my dad any more because it’s clearly a “chore”.

I’d made a passing comment that we had to leave early because the drive home is such a nightmare (two hours along narrow country roads) and I have three kids under seven. She basically told me to leave straightaway and not come back!

She’s obviously been storing this speech up for a while because she really let rip, comparing me to her friends’ kids who apparently make the time and effort to visit their parents, and she also said that my children don’t like her because they hardly know her.

I admit I don’t visit them that often, but it’s difficult with three young kids and my parents hardly ever come to see us in our home.

I think she’s being hypocritical and it’s driving me up the wall. Can you help?

Coleen says

It sounds as if your mum lashed out because she feels hurt, so instead of hitting back and reeling off all the difficulties around visiting her, be kind.

Say something like, “I’m sorry you feel this upset. It’s probably just me, worrying about driving home late with three kids. I didn’t think I’d hurt you this much and I didn’t realise you felt this way. Let’s talk about it.”

She probably just misses you and misses her grandkids. I remember when I was living in London and my mum was back in Blackpool, I probably didn’t really do enough. She’d come and stay occasionally and I’d visit Blackpool now and again, but when I became a mum myself, the penny dropped.

There have been plenty of times when I’ve thought, “I gave up my life for you kids and now you’ve buggered off !”

Look, I think her anger is actually because she just loves you and wants to see more of you.

We all have busy lives, especially when our kids are young, but it’s important to remember how much our own parents have invested in us and recognise when it’s time to give back.

Now my mum isn’t here, I honestly wish I’d spent more time with her.