When a grudge won’t budge

As research reveals the average adult is harbouring six grudges at any one time, Hannah Britt finds out how you can finally let them go

Scratch the surface and it seems we’re all simmering with resentment and anger. In fact a report suggests we’re all holding on to six grudges at any one time.

They can cause real damage too. Just look at the fallout from Prince Harry’s memoir Spare where he lays bare decades-old grievances.

Psychotherapist Sean Grover believes they can destroy friendships and relationships through a phenomenon dubbed “grudge dumping”.

If grudges aren’t tackled, he says, the frustration morphs and grows and can eventually boil over after even a simple misunderstanding. This can lead to the demise of that relationship.

Realising you are holding a grudge and working on smoothing things over – before you boil over – is key, says psychologist Dr Rachel Taylor (un-broken.me).

“It’s clear Prince Harry has been harbouring grudges, resulting in an outburst of tension that has built up over many years,” says Dr Taylor.

“This is damaging. Holding a grudge – let alone six – is bad for mental health. Not only does it spike stress levels, but long-term resentment and anger impacts a person’s self-worth and self-value. And it can lead to the end of important friendships. It’s time to let them go.”

The GRUDGE release method

G… Get honest

The first step to getting over a grudge is to realise that you are holding one in the first place.

Look at your relationships – are there any that cause you anger, hurt, or annoyance?

Delve deeper – have those feelings taken over, leaving a sense of frustration and a bitter taste in your mouth whenever you see, speak to or think of the person? If yes, you are holding a grudge.

R… Rationale

So, you’re holding a grudge. Now ask yourself why that is. What has the other person done to make you feel this way?

Perhaps your needs in that particular relationship aren’t being met, or you don’t feel heard or appreciated. If the person you hold a grudge against has caused you real hurt or trauma, it’s healthy to end that relationship and let it go for good.

But if they haven’t, ask yourself: do I want to save this? If yes, it is entirely possible to do so.

U… Understand yourself

There are many reasons why we hold grudges, and they are unique to us. So take time to look at yourself and understand why you feel this way.

Do you feel jealous of their life, or something they possess and you do not? If so, it may be time to look at your hopes and dreams, and make goals to achieve the life you want.

Often it’s the “again” factor that leads to a feeling of frustration – something someone has done multiple times that means the way you feel has built up, and you expect them to do it again.

Being late or cancelling at the last minute are good examples.

D… Discuss with them

If you want to save a relationship, talking is essential. The person may not be aware that their behaviour is making you feel the way you do.

When talking things through, stay calm and objective, and be clear about what you expect going forward in terms of how you are treated. The other person can make the decision about whether they can do that or not.

If you need an apology, be aware that you may not get one.

G… Gone for good

Sometimes it really is for the best to let a toxic relationship go. And if that’s the case, do so gracefully, sending it on its way along with any of the bad feelings.

Release it and breathe easier knowing it’s in the rear-view mirror. But if you’ve talked things through, and decided to keep the bond, it’s also important to let any negativity go. It’s time to start afresh.

Perhaps your needs are not being met or you don’t feel heard or appreciated

E… Easier

Letting go of grudges is like lifting off a dark cloak. You’ll find your stress levels lift, your outlook on life brightens, and friendships, both new and existing, will blossom.

It takes practice not to fall back into old patterns, and if your friend or partner does something to annoy you, don’t revert to the grudge but instead take the time to talk things through.