Struggling to cope now I’m a stepdad to girlfriend’s kids
I’ve been with my girlfriend for nearly a year. We’re both divorced from our ex-partners and she has two teenage children from her marriage.
I love her and we’re happy, but I’m now worried that we jumped into living together too soon.
She was keen from the start to make things official, but I think it was because she was on the rebound from her last relationship.
Her kids stay with us during the week and go to their dad’s at weekends. I thought I’d be OK with it, but I don’t have kids of my own and it’s tough.
I feel like an outsider in my own home and there’s never any time for us as a couple.
I try hard with her kids, but they don’t make it easy for me. I’m pretty sure they resent me, even though I clearly had nothing to do with their parents’ marriage breaking up.
When I have tentatively mentioned how I feel, my partner flies off the handle and reminds me I knew she had kids and what I was getting myself into. But I don’t think I did!
It sounds bad, but I can’t wait for weekends to come around, so it’s just the two of us at home. It’s a stressful situation – can you help?
Coleen says
When you date someone who has children, you have to accept it’s a package deal and so many people don’t think about it carefully enough. It’s hard for everyone involved, especially the children, as they’re adjusting to a new life and a new person in their lives.
But I do have empathy with your situation. When I got together with my second husband, Ray, my boys were still quite young and it took all of us a good two years to settle into a rhythm and feel comfortable with our new family set-up.
So, give it some time – don’t expect miracles to happen overnight. Be available for your girlfriend’s kids and be their friend, but don’t push too hard. And if you want to discuss their behaviour or anything around discipline, talk to your girlfriend first, so you’re both in agreement on how to tackle things.
The relationship won’t work unless you’re both happy, so have a chat about how you can find time as a couple instead of making the kids the problem.
You have to be able to talk about moving forward without it erupting into an argument.
I can’t wait for weekends to come round so it’s just us two