Friend’s frosty new wife has ordered him not to see me

I’m a woman aged 40 with two children of my own and one step-daughter from my second marriage. Sadly, my first husband passed away seven years ago, when our children were still babies.

I made a wonderful friend at a local group for widows and widowers. My friend’s wife had died and he was raising his son on his own. We became very good mates and were a real support for each other.

There was never anything romantic between us, just a lovely friendship that’s important to both of us.

We both remarried and while my friend gets on brilliantly with my husband, his wife has always been frosty to me. I’ve never made a big deal of it as I understand what he’s been through, losing his first wife. I’m glad he fell in love again and I want him to be happy.

But things came to a head recently when he called to say his wife had forbidden him from being friends with me any more. I was shocked and hurt, and couldn’t think of anything I’d done or said to prompt this kind of reaction.

He said she has a hard time “living up” to his first wife and now seems to want him to cut ties with anyone from his past. I feel furious that she has the power to destroy our friendship, especially when I’m happily married and no threat to her.

What should I do? My husband thinks it’s nuts!

Coleen says

Your friend’s wife sounds insecure, but I suppose the question is: why? As much as we think we know about our friends’ marriages, we don’t.

Maybe she’s insecure because of something that’s happened in her own past, but there’s also the possibility that your friend compares her to his first wife. Or it could be he’s always banging on about how great you are! You don’t know.

So, while I don’t think it’s ever a good idea to tell a partner who they can and can’t be friends with, I also think you need to accept there might be more complex emotions and issues at play here.

Maybe she’s desperate to leave the past behind and move forward, and reached a tipping point, hence the ultimatum that feels unreasonable to you.

My advice would be to give them space and time to work through whatever’s going on between them and, hopefully, down the line you’ll reconnect.

Or you could reach out to your friend’s wife – perhaps showing willingness to get to know her better as a friend might change her attitude.

Try not to take it personally, though. I think what’s going on probably has more to do with their relationship than anything you’ve done.

She wants to cut ties with anyone from his past