Don’t trust hubby after I found flirty texts on his phone

Dear Coleen

I’ve been married for six years and my husband and I have no children. However, I’m worried that he is flirting and whether there’s anything more to it than just banter with colleagues and friends.

The reason for saying this is that he left his phone at home one day and I know his passcode (his birth date!), so I looked through his messages and photos.

There were really flirty texts on there to other women, saying things like “Hi, beautiful” and “Can’t wait to get together later” although there’s nothing explicit or any details that show he’s actually cheating.

In addition, I found photos of attractive women I don’t know. They were all in group settings with other people, but why are they on his phone at all?

When he came home that night, I admitted to looking through his phone and told him what I’d found. He just said he’s a massive flirt, but nothing else is going on, and that he thinks he does it because I’ve never made him feel good enough and that he keeps expecting me to find a reason to leave him.

Now I don’t trust him, which is a horrible feeling.

I’d love your advice.

Coleen says

I love the way he’s blamed you! This is absolutely not your fault or responsibility. If there’s been a lack of communication in your marriage and he’s not feeling worthy, why didn’t he tell you instead of seeking validation from other women?

In my opinion, these texts are not OK. Maybe he calls everyone “beautiful” but I’m not buying it.

And the fact you went through his phone means you must have had a feeling something’s off. You don’t randomly check a partner’s phone after six years together.

Your gut is telling you something’s wrong, so you have to listen to it. I wish I’d listened more to my gut in my first marriage, but I didn’t want to believe my suspicions for a long time. I’m not saying your husband is cheating, but don’t let him make you feel as if you’re the problem.

Be clear that the phone flirting is unacceptable. I think there’s a massive difference between flirting openly and having a laugh when you’re out together with a group of mates, and sending secret flirty messages about meeting up. That’s a problem. Don’t ignore it and wait for him to hurt you. If he loves you, he’ll apologise, acknowledge that it’s out of order, and commit to focusing on your marriage going forward.

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He told one woman he couldn’t wait to meet up