His massive trust issues are ruining our relationship
Dear Coleen
My boyfriend and I are both in our early 30s and live together. I love him and hope to have a future with him, but he has massive trust issues, which I’m struggling to cope with.
His ex, who he was with for eight years, had an affair and he never saw it coming. The split was really nasty and the whole experience had a huge impact on his mental health.
I understand he went through a horrible time. I’ve always listened and been sympathetic, and I’ve never done or said anything to make him not trust me.
Despite this, he gets sulky or annoyed if I’m late getting home or I’ve forgotten to tell him where I’m going, and he’s always quizzing me about who I’ve been out with.
I’ve told him I’m sick of walking on eggshells and having to justify everything I do, but he just can’t see what he’s doing and the effect that it’s having on our relationship.
I know he loves me, but is it enough? I want us to enjoy being together and not feel constantly stressed about how he’s going to react.
Coleen says
Don’t let him put this on you – this is his issue and he needs to work on himself. It’s so draining to have to constantly reassure a partner who’s this insecure.
Also, it won’t work because the bottom line is he needs to acknowledge that he has a problem with trust and then try to deal with it.
You have to confront this now or it could get to a point where you’re scared to tell him where you’re going and who you’ve seen and you’ll start lying about it, or you’ll stop doing anything at keep the peace at home.
He’ll feel good that he has control, but your life will be totally miserable.
So, be very clear with him all to that you won’t put up with it from this point forward and you won’t be compared to his ex. He needs to know you’re prepared to walk away if the unreasonable behaviour doesn’t stop.
If he needs support with managing his behaviour moving forward, counselling is an option.
And if you want to support him, you could suggest joint therapy sessions. Relationships are built on trust and if you don’t have it, there’s no chance of a happy future together.
“He always quizzes me over who I’ve been out with