Way I acted made new love feel like she is bad in bed

Dear Coleen

I’m a man in my mid-fifties and have never been a confident person. I’ve suffered with anxiety, depression and mental health issues in the past.

I had a pretty messy divorce and child custody issues a few years back, which took their toll. And I’m also on medication for an enlarged prostate, causing a condition called retrograde ejaculation.

I’ve had a couple of brief relationships over the past 15 years, but suffered from sexual anxiety due to an ex who publicly ridiculed my lack of libido and erection problems.

Sex was OK when I was in my comfort zone, but when it came to oral sex, I’d suffer erection problems because of my ex’s lack of compassion. She’d ridicule me and then make a big deal of it in front of her friends.

Now I’ve met my soulmate and we’ve been together just over a year. Our sex life has been amazing – we were making love five or six times a day, with the most being nine times on a Sunday duvet day!

However, when we tried oral sex recently, an overwhelming feeling of anxiety hit me and I started to feel embarrassed and anxious, so began pleasuring myself to help things along.

Her reaction wasn’t what I expected – she went mad, saying I’d made her feel like she was bad in bed and I’d hurt her feelings. I tried to explain it wasn’t her, it was about me feeling anxious, but she got angrier, called me weird, and refused to touch me again.

So, now she’s feeling hurt and inadequate, and I’m at a loss because I love her to bits. How do we move forward?

Coleen says

I think you’re spot on about your horrible experience with your ex and the damage has made you overthink these situations. It’s totally understandable.

I’m not sure why your girlfriend has a blind spot over the impact this could have on you. Perhaps she’s not really listening because it’s triggered insecurities in her and she’s deflecting. So, you’re now in a situation where you both feel inadequate and hurt.

You really need to keep talking to her and trying to help her understand and, if you’re still struggling to get through to her, then I’d suggest psychosexual counselling. Search for a therapist at bacp.co.uk, the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy website.

But, be positive. You’ve found someone you love, and other areas of your sex life are on fire! I don’t know anyone who’s had sex nine times in one day. I don’t want to be a Debbie Downer, but a word of caution: maybe don’t put so much pressure on yourselves to have this much sex. It’s like you’re trying to prove something by doing it so often, like you’re overcompensating for the past. You don’t want to get sick of it – you can have too much of a good thing!

But you need to have calm, honest conversations about it.

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My ex would ridicule my performance to her friends