My new girlfriend doesn’t know I’ve had sex with men
I’m a man in my late 20s and I’m in my first serious relationship with an amazing girl. We’ve been dating for nearly five months, but I’m still too terrified to discuss my sexual history with her.
When I was younger, I was very insecure and lacked confidence. Girls barely looked at me. However, I got tons of attention from guys and had a few hook-ups with men, but never a relationship.
I think I was experimenting and finding out about myself, as lots of young people do, but I know now that I’m attracted to women and that I don’t want a relationship with a man.
Now I’m worried that my girlfriend will freak out that I used to sleep with men. I hate talking about it, but I also don’t want to lie to her. I think we have a shot at a future, so keeping this from her feels wrong.
Should I wait until later in the relationship to tell her as we’ll know each other better? I keep waiting for something to come up in conversation where it feels natural. What do I do?
Coleen says
I think you need to build up a feeling of security and ease with each other before you have the discussion so it’s not going to feel daunting or difficult. But only you can judge when the time feels right.
Look, there is no reason to be ashamed of your sexual past – you’ve done nothing wrong – and plenty of people experiment while they’re figuring out who they are and what they want.
Maybe what you’re worried about is that she’ll think you’re still attracted to men and it’ll make her feel insecure and worried that she’s not enough for you.
All you can do is be honest that you experimented and realised it wasn’t for you, and reassure her. I know you’re worried this is going to put her off, but how about this for an idea – you might be seriously underestimating her!
And if you think there’s a chance of a proper future with her, then being open and honest with each other is very important.
It’s also crucial for your peace of mind – if you’re not open with her, I get the feeling it’ll be gnawing away at the back of your mind, making you feel stressed and dishonest.
Don’t overthink it and trust in what you have together.
I’m terrified to discuss my sexual history with her