I was convinced my breast milk was poisoning my baby
Eimear O’hagan hears one new mother’s harrowing experience of postpartum psychosis
Lying in a hospital bed, her three-week-old daughter in a crib next to her, Emily Lawrence felt consumed with despair and shame.
She was in the grip of postpartum psychosis (PPP), a severe but rare mental health condition which develops after a woman gives birth.
Emily had been admitted to hospital suffering from terrifying symptoms, including hallucinations, paranoia and even suicidal thoughts.
“Apart from family and close friends, I didn’t tell anyone I’d been readmitted by the perinatal mental health team.
“Most people thought I was at home in a blissful, newborn bubble. Instead, I was on a ward feeling hopeless and scared, traumatised from the first weeks of my daughter Grace’s life,” says Emily, 29, who lives in Derby.
PPP occurs in one or two out of
1,000 new mothers in the UK every year, and it’s estimated that for more than 40 per cent of women affected by it, it’s their first experience of a mental illness.
Research is ongoing as to what causes it, but it can be hereditary, linked to hormonal changes and disrupted sleep patterns, and women with bipolar disorder are at a higher risk of developing it.
While most cases of this rapid onset condition are treatab tragically some wome their own lives, so sev are their symptoms, w can range from delusi and mania to insomn confusion.
In August 2020, Emily’s baby was delivered by caesarean and from the moment Grace was placed on her chest, Emily says she knew something was wrong.
“I’d been so happy w
I’d found out I was pregnant, and couldn’t wait to meet my baby. But not only did I not feel any rush of love for her, I actually asked the midwife to lift her off me in the operating theatre.
“I felt completely detached and numb. There was no bond at all,”
Emily recalls.
After being discharged the next day, she says over the course of the next three weeks her mental health deteriorated dramatically.
“At first, I was very tearful and low. Grace and cared
In fact, I could
the midwife alth visitor ut it down nes and n, then there ern I was from postnatal ion. owever, inside head my houghts began to turn very dark. I was convinced my breast milk was poisoning Grace, and I hallucinated injuries on her body that weren’t there.
“I believed I was going to hurt her, but was too scared to tell anyone how I was feeling in case she was taken away, as I also believed she’d come to harm without me.
“My partner at the time was working night shifts and I was too wired to sleep. I’d stay up all night cleaning the house and convince myself Grace was crying and the neighbours could hear her, when she was actually fast asleep.
“I’d lost my grip on what was real and what wasn’t, but hid all these thoughts and feelings from everyone. Not even my partner had any inkling as to truly how unwell I was. I even thought about taking my own life because everything felt so hopeless.”
Grace was three weeks old when Emily, convinced her baby was seriously unwell, dialled 999.
“She’d been crying all day and by now my mind was so confused, I couldn’t think rationally. I called 999 but when the paramedics arrived, they realised Grace was fine but I wasn’t. They blue-lighted me to hospital immediately.”
Emily spent a week in hospital with Grace, where she was given medication to help her sleep and referred for therapy, before spending the next 14 months under the care of her community mental-health team.
“I was shocked when I was told I had PPP. I’d never heard of it and it was frightening to realise how unwell I’d become, so quickly, with such a serious condition.
“I was prescribed medication to stabilise my mood and help me rest, I had therapy and support from psychiatrists and a health visitor.
“Several times I relapsed, experiencing hallucinations again or becoming manic and having suicidal thoughts, and I’d have to be readmitted to hospital. It was heartbreaking. There were times I thought I’d never get better,” says Emily. “I can barely remember Grace’s first birthday.”
By late 2021, however, Emily says she began to feel like the worst was behind her. “I remember taking Grace for a walk one day and it was like I was seeing the world in colour for the first time in so long. I felt like me again, it was such a relief.”
Emily has continued to have private therapy and last year took up a new role as a support worker at The Beeches Mother and Baby
Unit in Derby, a NHS inpatient facility for mothers experiencing mental health issues.
“I know how hard it is to be a new mum with a mental-health condition. It’s such a frightening time and there’s still stigma around conditions like
PPP,” she says.
“I hope I can show the mums having treatment that I am proof recovery is possible.”
In January, I did a fundraising skydive for the charity Action on Postpartum Psychosis, who’ve supported me, which was so exhilarating, and raised over £1,000.”
For Emily, watching Grace, who loves ballet and football, grow up is so precious.
“She’s such a wonderful little girl, I’m so proud of her. I do feel a sadness when I think about the time PPP robbed from me, the months I couldn’t enjoy and love her, which I can never get back. However, rather than dwell on that, I feel so grateful I recovered and I now cherish every moment of being a mum.”
I lost my grip on what was real and what wasn’t and couldn’t tell anyone