Daughter’s siding with my ex after he had an affair

I’m a 53-year-old woman with two grown-up daughters aged 18 and 23. In early December, my husband came home from work one night and told me our marriage was over and that he wanted to be with someone else – a colleague, who’s nearly 20 years his junior.

I know people say all the time that they never saw it coming, but I really didn’t.

Our two girls aren’t living at home any more – the youngest lives in university halls and the other shares a flat with her boyfriend. My ex and I had started making a different kind of life for ourselves, doing much more together and even embarking on renovations to our house.

Now, he’s living with this other woman and I’m still in the family home while the divorce is being sorted.

I’m struggling to forgive him for the way he’s treated me, but I’m dealing with it in counselling. What I can’t get my head around is that our youngest daughter seems to have no regard for my feelings.

I found out she’d met her dad’s new girlfriend a couple of times, while she ignores my calls. When I quizzed her about it, she screamed at me for being “immature” and that she was entitled to see her dad.

Why am I getting attacked for my ex’s decisions? Apparently, he told our girls I’d fallen out of love with him years ago, as if that’s justification for his affair. It’s not even true. What do I do?

Coleen says

Don’t allow your ex to blame you for his choices. He could have told you how he felt about the marriage and you could have sorted it out one way or the other by talking, but he chose an affair.

Now he seems to be turning the knife by spinning a certain narrative to your kids. It’s not acceptable – it’s vindictive.

So, if you can face it, talk to him directly and explain that what he’s doing is potentially damaging for your children and their relationship with you.

When it comes to the kids (however old they are), you have to put your grievances

She ignores my calls and told me I was immature

with each other aside and behave responsibly.

Don’t retaliate by telling your kids exactly what you think of their cheating, lying father as no good will come of it.

Arrange to see your daughters together and have an honest conversation about how you’re feeling. Ask your youngest not to cut you out of things, but to respect how you might feel and to be sensitive to what you’re going through.

She might just need some reassurance that you won’t kick off if she sees her dad and his girlfriend is there, too. It’s a tough balancing act for an 18-year-old to negotiate.

It’s great you’re having counselling – now start thinking about what you want from your life. Good luck.