Difficult childbirth has ruined my sex life and marriage

I have been living with a uterine prolapse for several years now, which was caused by the birth of my first child.

This condition has ruined my marriage and my sex life, as sex positions have become really boring because I’m so worried that the prolapse will just fall out if I’m standing up or using positions that involve me being on top.

I’m at a point now where the whole sex process just makes me so worried and anxious that it’s more off a turn off than a turn on and I can’t enjoy it at all because the whole time I’m thinking about my prolapse.

The situation is affecting me mentally, emotionally and sexually, but the NHS waiting list for surgery is ridiculously long and I can’t afford to go private. The whole thing is getting to me now and I feel so down about it.

At my stage in life, I should be having the most exciting, satisfying sex. Instead I’m stuck with no sex or basic positions, as I’m too embarrassed to do anything else. I would really appreciate some advice.

Coleen says

I know NHS waiting lists are long, but I do think you need to go back to your doctor and be brutally honest about how the condition is affecting your mental health and your marriage. It’s worth making a noise about if it’s having this much of an impact on your physical and emotional wellbeing. Maybe you’ll be referred to a gynaecologist – ask your doctor directly what the options are.

There’s probably a psychological element to this, too, in that your fear of having sex (or rather, something terrible happening during sex) is becoming a phobia.

It also sounds like you’re putting a lot of pressure on yourself to have chandelierswinging sex. Maybe this is because you think this is what you should be having, or you’re worried your husband is bored.

I think it’s important to remove that expectation. If your husband loves you, he will understand and be patient. I know it’s not easy to talk about sex, even in loving relationships, but I think it’ll help to take the pressure off and bring you closer again.

It’s something you should be tackling together, so you feel supported.

Also, sex doesn’t always have to be about penetration, so if that aspect is worrying you and you don’t want to do it until you get reassurance from an expert, talk to your husband about what else you can do in the meantime.

I also think it’s worth exploring psychosexual counselling. Ask your GP about being referred and you can also search for a therapist at bacp.co.uk, the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy website. Cost per session will vary between therapists. Good luck.