Parents so angry after sacrificing happiness for us

I’m a woman in my 30s, married with one child and I’m struggling a lot with the fact my parents have decided to get divorced in their 60s.

When me and my brother were growing up, things at home were always up and down – our parents would have wild arguments then make up and things went back to “normal”.

My dad left twice, and my mum walked out on us once.

It wasn’t easy, but I always figured they stayed together for our sake, and I suppose I felt grateful for that over the years, even though I hated the arguing, because they had sacrificed their happiness to put us first.

Now, though, I just feel angry with them for getting divorced after all those years of sticking with it. Plus, they’re both offloading all their anger, stress and baggage on to me and my brother. I suppose they think we’re adults, so can talk to us like we’re one of their friends or a mate at the pub!

To be honest, I don’t want to hear it any more. I hope it’s the right decision for them and it makes them happy, but I’m done. I just want to wash my hands of it. Is this selfish? I’d love your opinion.

Coleen says

Not wanting to revisit that trauma from your childhood is not selfish. However, when it comes to their decision to divorce, I think you should leave that to their judgment and stay out of it.

It sounds like they probably stayed together until you and your brother had grown up and settled – lots of people do that, for better or worse – and maybe they tried to make it work a bit longer, but finally decided it was time to throw in the towel.

I remember my daughter was about 15 when she said to me and her dad: “Listen, I love you both, but I don’t want to hear about it any more. Sort it out and stay together or don’t, but I don’t want to be in the middle of it”.

When you have older kids, you do feel you can talk about it more and show them when you feel angry or down but, looking back, my daughter was right. It was too much for her and it was a good lesson for me. And I think I needed to hear that from her to sort my life out and get on with the divorce.

So, try having a similar conversation with your parents. Reassure them you love them, but it’s upsetting and draining for you to hear about their relationship all the time. Maybe ask your brother to be with you, too.

I think your parents need to hear it and, hopefully, it’ll give them the confidence and resolve to get on with it while being sensitive to your feelings.

Divorcing in their 60s and offloading all their baggage