JESS SAYING
Jessica Boulton’s whimsical wander through the showbiz week
Monday movers
OK, OK, the quality makes it hard to see. But there was only one viral video everyone was obsessed with on Monday. And that was this little clip, courtesy of David Beckham.
Why is it so special? Well, if you look closely enough, you’ll see this is from Posh’s big 50th birthday bash.
And there, dancing together in the background, are five familiar faces...
Ginger, Baby, Posh, Sporty and Scary.
And yes, they are doing the official dance moves.
Considering it was the same day the frontrunner for the next “leader of the free world” began a criminal trial that could see him locked up, how fitting our favourite Spices chose Stop! (Right Now) as the soundtrack for this global feelgood moment.
If only Donald Trump’s voters would Stop!... and think before going to the ballot, we wouldn’t be in such dire need of a pick-me-up.
Juicy chapter Tuesday
Rebel Wilson’s new autobiography continues to cause uproar – this time with the allegation a royal somewhere way down the line of succession once invited her to a sex party.
To be honest does it really come as a surprise? It could be any number of blue bloods – don’t most have a distant claim to the throne?
But UK readers were also in for an extra treat when buying Rebel’s book.
Because while the US versions include some juicy and (strongly denied) claims about working with Sacha Baron Cohen, the British
imprints come with free, bonus... great big black lines!
Yes, her tome has been given the black pen redactment treatment thanks to what Rebel calls the “peculiarities of law in England and Wales”... and what the law in
England and Wales calls... potential defamation. Baron Cohen’s lawyers had another word for Rebel’s now blacked out words: “Shameful”.
Now imagine if all memoirs had to black out all examples of “shameful” behaviour. All of Katie Price’s tomes would be just one long big black line.
Just think, all 652,543 of her autobiographies would seem exactly the same. Oh, hang on...
Lil bit mean Wednesday
Lily Allen’s been raising more eyebrows than Spock of late.
For she might not seem the churchgoing type, but she’s spent the week making more than a few confessions.
And it’s hard to decide which one makes us Smile (or grimace) more.
To recap, Lily, who now lives in New York, revealed how she: ■ Became convinced the birth of daughters Ethel, 13, and Marnie, 11, had “ruined” her career. (Harsh, but probably fair.)
■ Was once invited to a party backstage with Drake but ended up chatting meal replacement diet shakes with him instead. (How very rock ’n’ roll.)
■ Once got frisky with another rapper – but was so embarrassed of her liposuction scars, she told him they were from a... hip replacement. (She was 24 at the time).
And my favourite confession:
She flew first class to London on Thursday – but made daughter Ethel sit in economy.
Apparently Gordon Ramsay and Kirstie Allsop also favour this as the perfect way to travel. And why not?
How can a nepobaby ever fully understand their good fortune if they’ve never slummed it with us muggles, arguing over overhead cabin space, with toddlers kicking the back of your chair?
If they’ve never known the steely determination required to board a budget airline flight with undesignated seats? Last one through the gate? Welcome to your next five hours sandwiched between a wailing baby, stag do, never-ending toilet queue and a person whose physique is – umm, how best to put this? – prone to overspillage into your personal space.
So I was going to say at least Lily didn’t leave her daughter at home.
But after some of the horror flights I’ve had, that might have been fairer.
Dirty Thursday
Kanye West has gone and shocked us again.
He’s previously put his name to trainers, clothes, a presidential election race, and even his very own church.
But West has diversified once more – to launch his very own adult film studio, Sleazy , sorry, Yeezy Porn.
As Jimmy Kimmel remarked this week: “You can’t say he doesn’t have range.”
Who knows, maybe it could even be a family business.
Ex-wife Kim knows a thing or two about X-rated movies – the
Kardashians’ kashloads were kickstarted by her leaked sex tape, after all.
As for current wife Bianca Censori (She, with the apparent fabric allergy)? Well, she has the wardrobe department (or lack thereof it) all sewn up.
All that’s left is to come up with some funny, punny film titles based on real movies, most of us would actually prefer to see.
How about:
Water Taxi Driver: Travis Bickle is shocked to see a world-famous pop star getting jiggy in the back of his Venice boat. Based on a true story.
Keeping Up With the Kardashians: a little blue pill changes one man’s fate.
Legally Fond(le): a lookalike of trainee lawyer Kim wins a place at law school.
But it’s not her acceptance letter she’s talking about when echoing Reese Witherspoon’s iconic Legally Blonde quip: “What? Like it’s ha...”
(On second thoughts you’ll have to Google the rest, this is a family newspaper.)
Or finally, La La Land. Nothing dirty... just where Kanye lives most of
the time.
Laughing stock Friday
Manchester’s new £350million Co-op Live Arena is hoping to be a beacon of sustainability.
Yet after rescheduling its opening night with Peter Kay for a SECOND time and seeing its boss quit yesterday, there’s one thing the mega-showbiz project may struggle to sustain... Credibility.