WHY CAN’T YOUNGEST BE LIKE HER SISTER?
DEAR JENNIFER: My youngest daughter is 13 and is driving me crazy. She’s a bright kid but trouble just seems to keep finding her, especially at school.
My partner (not her father) works fulltime and I have a part-time job, but neither is well paid. Money is always tight and we have to rely on other benefits to get by. I am sure she knows this, but she still moans all the time about not having the same things that her school friends have.
Her current demands are for a mobile phone, but it’s just far too expensive. I have tried to explain it to her, as has her older sister, but she just won’t accept this and keeps pushing for me to buy her things that we just can’t afford. And when I refuse, she argues, or just gets angry and shouts at me.
It’s getting me down and she’s reduced me to tears on several occasions.
Her sister was never like this, and I don’t know what I have done wrong to cause her to be like this.
My partner says it’s just a phase and that she will get over it, but I am not so sure. He also offered to talk with her, but I think it would only make things worse because they don’t really get along.
I feel like I am stuck in the middle with no way out of this mess.
I just wish she could be more like her sister.
JENNIFER SAYS: They may be sisters, but they are not the same people.
They each have their own character and a good part of this will develop irrespective of what you did as a parent, so please don’t blame yourself.
As such, comparing the two is probably pointless, and if you draw attention to their differences, you’ll probably make matters worse.
Your partner may be right about your daughter going through a phase, and I am sure many mothers would probably confirm that it’s fairly typical behaviour for a 13-year-old teenager. Fortunately, most still grow up into reasonably welladjusted adults!
Helping young people gain an understanding of money is not easy. That’s especially true in this materialistic world, where it seems a new, must-have shiny gadget or fashion item hits the shelves almost daily. It becomes a double whammy when families are also struggling with recent big increases in the cost of living. This is serious stuff, but I still feel that it’s best to be honest but calm when talking with children about money.
They need to be more money savvy, it’s a crucial skill and one that is neglected in schools.
When your daughter next makes a demand, try not to talk down to her and avoid put-down phrases like ‘money doesn’t grow on trees’. Instead, it’s OK to just say ‘no’, but then explain that when you buy something you can’t afford, it puts you into debt.
Let her know that it’s OK to ask for things, but she also has to accept that sometimes it’s impossible, or she just has to wait.
Suggest that perhaps she might try earning her own money. This might include things like baby-sitting, pet-sitting, dog-walking or perhaps even washing cars. Setting financial goals and working towards them are skills that wills serve her well as an adult.