30 Tween-age tricks
HOW TO MANAGE YOUR CHILD IN AWKWARD YEARS FROM EIGHT TO 12
No loNger little, but not yet a teen, kids in the tween years are changing fast.
So called because it’s in between the two more recognised developmental stages of young children and teenagers, the tween period is between eight and 12 years, and many parents could do with some help getting through it.
Parenting author Tanith Carey knows only too well what it’s like dealing with the tween stage — she’s been through it with her two daughters, and has now written the book What’s My Tween Thinking? about it with psychologist Dr Angharad Rudkin.
“It’s a phase when hormones start to kick in, children are forming their first serious friendships — and having their first major fallouts — and start wanting their own screens, which are a doorway to an adult world they’re not yet ready for,” observes Carey.
Behaviour
“Yet while parents mentally prepare themselves for the terrible twos and the tumultuous teen years, often they’re not prepared for the vitally important period in between.
“The good news is these years won’t feel as confusing once you know the developmental reasons behind your tween’s changing behaviour and see the world through their eyes.”
Here, Carey outlines some of the common challenges parents may face with their tweens, and how to deal with them…
‘I’m not holding your hand, Mum’ Your tween pulls their hand away from yours for the first time on a walk to the shops. What your tween is thinking
‘I’m testing how it feels to be more independent. Now my peers are more important in my life, I need to fit in. Even when my friends aren’t around, I still imagine what they’d say if they saw me holding my mum’s hand.’
What you might be thinking
You may feel sad that the child who could once never get enough of you is moving into a phase where they no longer seem to need you as much.
How you could respond
“Don’t take it personally,” advises Carey. “This is more about your child’s development and their emerging need to find their own tribe. In fact, pulling away is a positive sign they trust you to keep loving them anyway.”
She warns that while tweens may not want to hold your hand as much, they still need physical connection at home, so parents should offer other options, like stroking their backs reassuringly or offering them a cuddle.
‘I AM doing my homework’
Your child is taking ages to start their homework.
What your tween’s thinking
‘My lesson feels like ages ago, and my mind’s gone blank. Plus, at home, there’s so much I’d rather be doing and without a teacher and classmates around to keep me focused, it’s hard to concentrate.’
What you might be thinking
After a long day, you probably just want your child to get their homework over with so you can get on with the rest of the evening. If they say they don’t know where to start or seem to be avoiding it for fear of getting it wrong, you might get panicky or tempted to do it for them.
How you could respond
Carey suggests that parents firstly take a deep breath.
“Getting frustrated with them will make them more anxious, and it’ll become more difficult for them to access the logical thinking parts of their brains they need now,” she says, advising that if they’re finding it hard to start, parents should help them name how they feel.
“Once they know you’ve heard them, they’re more likely to start,” she explains. She points out that when a task is daunting, the most difficult part is getting underway.
“So make it feel more manageable by suggesting they try it for five minutes – they’ll most likely carry on.”
If your tween struggles to do homework within the allotted time, mention it to the school, advises Carey. “It’s best to identify learning challenges,” she says.
‘Why can’t I go on TikTok when all my friends are on it?’
Your child is angry you won’t let them sign up to TikTok because they’re not yet 13.
What your tween’s thinking
“Ok so it’s just a couple of my friends on it. But I’ll tell my parents it’s everyone to make them worry I’ll be left out. They keep saying social media is dangerous, but I’d never be so silly to fall for weird grown-ups because I’d know. And dad lets me play grown-up video games because he likes them too.’
What you might be thinking
You’re likely to be worried your tween is too naive to handle going online and uncomfortable with allowing them to lie about their age. How you could respond
Carey suggests parents explain to their tween that their brain is developing, and social media is designed to be stimulating.
“Consider letting them try one platform, like a closed group on WhatsApp, on a shared family device, but in communal areas, never in bedrooms,” she stresses.