Parents need to take their heads out of the sand over children’s habits on the internet
‘SPORT, with its youth and its trips and its opportunity for building relationships between coaches and participants, is a fine feeding ground for those few sick minds who prey on kids.’
These words, written in 1998 by sports journalist Tom Humphries, seem almost unbelievably disingenuous, sly and arrogant now.
At the time, Humphries was reporting for the ‘Irish Times’ about how paedophiles had infiltrated a junior hockey team in Toronto and in his article he highlighted the way that rising young sports stars can be particularly vulnerable to predatory behaviour by powerful people.
Did Humphries have paedophiliac tendencies when he wrote that insightful article about paedophilia in sport? We may never know the answer to that, yet we do know that a mere 10 years later he sent obscene photos to a 14-year-old girl whom he was coaching and mentoring in camogie.
Humphries, demonstrating the cunning that is so often a hallmark of the seasoned paedophile, initiated contact with this girl by complimenting and encouraging her sporting talent. He then insinuated himself into the child’s life by giving her advice about her GAA club and encouragement about some personal issues she was experiencing. The girl was suffering from an eating disorder at the time; we all have times in our lives when we are particularly in need of human kindness and it’s at times like these when we are more susceptible to anyone who shows an interest in our welfare. Sadly, this girl had the misfortune to slip onto Humphries’s radar at this vulnerable time in her life.
In 2008, when Humphries sent the 14-year-old explicit images of his genitals, she became upset and asked him not to send her these pictures. Humphries apologised and reverted to purposefully grooming the young teenager. It was a full year later before he sent another sexually explicit text. And so this girl spent a full year believing that she and Humphries had a true friendship; that Humphries was interested only in her mind and that he wished her to benefit from the useful advice of a highly regarded sports journalist.
The 16,000 messages that were exchanged during a three-month period in 2011 shows us just how relentlessly predatory paedophiles like Tom Humphries can be. Many parents are aware of the dangers online but they often disregard the fact that predators sometimes move over to text messaging as a means to continue constant contact with their prey.
I often give mental health talks to parents and when I talk about the dangers of allowing your child unfettered access to the internet, I can see by the faces of the parents present that they honestly think it doesn’t apply to their families. I can almost see these parents thinking, ‘Not my kids – my kids know better than that’.
But time and time again they’re proved wrong and parents need to get their heads out of the sand and start thinking about how their child’s online behaviour, and their sexuality, is developing.
Years ago, paedophiles infiltrated the clergy and sporting organisations as a means to obtain access to children. Nowadays, they go online. When the slightest mistype on Google Images can unearth hardcore porn, it’s not enough to simply cross our fingers and hope for the best. Nor is it enough to rely on parental controls such as iKydz or Net Nanny to ensure the children aren’t exposed to inappropriate sexual content.
Banning social media is pointless as the behaviour will then go underground and become even more secretive. Keeping the computers and devices to the family rooms such as the sitting room and the kitchen can be effective but it’s still not fail-safe.
Indeed, the only approach that will really keep our children safe is continuous open, noncondemnatory communication; and even then circumstances dictate that the child will sometimes be able to tell you about predatory behaviour only after the event.
Parents may find it incredibly hard to restrain themselves when they hear their child has been involved in sexualised online behaviour – but restrain themselves they must. In this deeply vulnerable moment, when the child’s sexualised behaviour is exposed, too many parents lose their head and, in so doing, they lose their children’s trust.
Later on, when the dust has settled, the parent can advise the child where their behaviour was inappropriate or misguided, but, in
the moment, it’s infinitely more important to make sure that an atmosphere of open, nonjudgmental tenderness is uppermost in the minds of the parents.
The child needs to feel able to return to the parent and speak about repetitive inappropriate behaviour. If the parent can convince the child that their sexuality is not something to be ashamed of, and if the parents can teach their children that they will be subjected to sexually inappropriate behaviour and that there are ways and means to handle this, then children will be better equipped to handle this sexualised world we live in.
Yesterday, Humphries was sentenced to two and a half years in prison for the defilement of a teenage girl. It isn’t long enough and many people understandably argue that it’s a pity that he didn’t receive a longer sentence.
Although the wheels of justice turn unbearably slowly, thankfully they do eventually turn. Finally, six years after being exposed as a predatory paedophile, Humphries is publicly disgraced, he’s lost his job and he’s in jail. The young woman whom he targeted is hopefully free to live her life as she chooses. Although it might be grasping at straws, maybe there is at least some sort of rough justice in this cruel world. Stella O’Malley is a psychotherapist, writer, best-selling author and public speaker