A guide to taming your Grumpy Old Man at Christmas time
FROM Scrooge to The Grinch, via sitcom archetypes Victor Meldrew and Jim Royle, when it comes to Christmas refuseniks, the XY chromosomes are traditionally well represented.
Indeed, the trope of the male misanthrope railing against a seasonal tsunami of comfort and joy in his ‘festive’ jumper and paper hat is arguably as traditional as egg nog.
Even if he’s the equable pragmatist for the other 364 days of the year, December 25 is when Everybloke’s inner Grumpy Old Man comes home to roost.
“It’s a fortnight-long version of Sunday with a bigger roast dinner,” sighed one committed GOM, while another observed: “I don’t mind a long weekend, but if the choice is between driving around at 6pm, trying to find an open corner shop that sells a four-pack of AA batteries in order to stop the kids committing fratricide or working, I’d rather do the latter.”
On the upside, at least being the battery-hunter gets him out of the house, where he can gleefully gather further evidence that, ever since the first airing of the John Lewis ad, life has become a festive nightmare, in which he is stuck on the escalator between the third and fourth floor of Hamleys toy store, for all eternity.
But while being a GOM at Christmas is one thing, sharing your sparkly, tinselly, smiley baubles-and- (Michael) -Bublé happy space with one is quite another.
And yet there are so many simple ways not only to appease but actively celebrate a home-grown Grinch, without dragging him out of his comfort zone in order to peel spuds and top up his mother’s sherry.
Because frankly, why shouldn’t he be grumpy if you’re allowed to play Mariah Carey (right) on a never-ending-loop?
Here are a few ideas.
Take as your inspiration the matches in no man’s land during the First World War and invest in table football.
Suddenly, you’re no longer enemies inhabiting separate emotional trenches but (because table football is completely addictive, even if you hate the real thing) you are Christmas United FC v Scroogeville Town, embarking on a play-off to secure a place at the top of the Domestic Division. Goal! Amazon, Debenhams and others have announced they are launching their online sales on Christmas Day this year. Instead of seeing this as further evidence
Try investing in table football – it’s totally addictive, even if you hate the real thing
that The End is Nigh (even though it probably is), look on it as an opportunity for a GOM to escape happily to the study (with a large glass) in order to carry out vital ‘research’.
Preparation and positive spin are everything. Unless you are the parents of small children or are spending Christmas at Sandringham, there is really no need to get up before 11am – and then only to shove the turkey in the oven.
Before you know it, that’s half the day already gone and a perfectly acceptable time to crack open the egg nog.
While everyone else plays sardines/watches ‘Elf’ again/falls asleep/looks for batteries, I’m a big fan of getting on planes on Christmas Day – even with a GOM. Get your timings right and you can not only have your Christmas cake but eat it, too – in the Bahamas, Mexico, Goa or indeed anywhere else that isn’t home.
If all else fails, remember that a GOM is not just for Christmas.
Taking one for a nice long walk (on a route past at least one favourite pub) on St Stephen’s Day works wonders. No lead required. (© Daily Telegraph, London)