O ur new toilets gave us something to go on in the search for optimism

THE new flush toilets are the talk of the country. We have saved the world and the waters of the world. The toilets were put on the clock and broke all records in the toilets Olympics. I have always tried to avoid the use of clichés in this column, so to speak, come hell or high water, for what it’s worth, in point of fact, and without fear of contradiction. I am so proud that we in John B’s have flushed to success.

The toilets were installed in our pub just a few days ago. Yes, there has been controversy, as there always is when one man takes on the world and is the living embodiment of the quest to better the planet.

Every flush saves six litres of water and there have been calls to make it compulsory to install the new water-saving miracles in every home and business in the country.

Yes, there are the negative people, the drainers, who suck your energy up like a pipette. One of their ilk suggested the new speedy toilets which go from 0-60 faster than a Lamborghini were built for speed and not comfort. The toilet bowls didn’t have the circumference for the larger bottom was their inaccurate criticism.

I am all for the larger bottom. The old Dutch masters such as Rembrandt gloried in painting the full figure. As we have often said, there is no such thing as a bad-looking woman. There is beauty and a nobility in all of us.

Neil Brosnan, the award-winning writer, was sitting up at the bar when the accusations were being made. He wasn’t listening but he heard all that was going on. Neil leapt to my defence.

“The dart board might be smaller,” he bull’s eye is always in the same place.”

Larry, the genius who installed the toilets, measured the circumferences of the old and new toilets and there was nothing much in it.

Another woman suggested the long flush was soothing and the gurgling, bubbly flow reminded her of Torc waterfall in Killarney and Enniskerry in Co Wicklow.

Some people are very selfish. The waiting times will be slashed. It only takes one minute and three seconds to fill up the cisterns. We have asked the customers to flush the new toilets before they complete the rearranging of their clothes for a quicker turnaround, like Ryanair.

We only need the faster flush every now and then. John B’s is a small pub and getting smaller. These are tough times for pubs. The new toilets will save money. Water charges were abolished for houses but pubs still have to pay.

I was walking through a leafy suburb in Dublin and it was a hot day. There were several sprinklers firing out water all over the gardens. The house was huge.

Our pub was a like a shoe box compared to the mansion. The sunflowers as tall as Paul O’Connell and the roses were fattened up like turkeys just before Christmas. Their water was free. We said, “but the have to pay for ours. Where’s the fairness in that?

Then the reservoir in Leopardstown went down during last week’s cold spell. People left on their taps at night. The theory was if the water was flowing, there would be no burst pipes. The taps wouldn’t have been on the drip-drip if they had to pay.

The Government must make the water saving toilets compulsory. Our old toilets had only the one setting but the new loos have two gears. One button is for number 1s and the other buttons is for number 2s.

The pee gear uses less water, about 1.5 litres, which means we now get six pees for the price of one.

There are many more innovators who are getting behind our crusade. What do you do with old toothbrushes that still have the erectness of bristle needed for a satisfactory cleaning experience? We will use them for under-rim cleaning and better again if they are electric.

But what do we do with the old toilet bowls? They were there for years. So many great women did their business while sitting on those bowls. Strange as it may seem, I’m lonesome after the old bowls. The mother used to take care of the flowers in the beer garden. Some were planted in a Belfast sink. Maybe we could put a shrub or small tree in the old bowl? The mother was proud of her flowers in the pots, buckets and sinks.

She was a country woman and would have loved a piece of ground of her own. Mam did retire to a house with more than enough room for planting in the back.

I live almost next door and the neighbours are lovely, but the place is very quiet compared to down town in William Street, where we were reared over the old pub. As she said herself: “I looked out the door and on the first day I saw a dog and on the second day I saw no dog.”

Mam was back living over the pub by nightfall on the second day of her two-day retirement.

Small businesses will survive if we are innovative and clever. Keep thinking – and bring in the new toilets

THAT was the day she planted the Belfast sink with the Sweet Williams. My mam was mad about me. But she would be fair cross if she saw the state of the Belfast sink and God only knows what she would make out of a flowering toilet bowl. Small businesses are suffering but we can survive if we are innovative and clever. Keep thinking. Keep hoping. Back yourself. And bring in the new toilets.

It just dawned on me now I should have an official opening. That will surely bring in a crowd. It can be done. The torso of last week’s snowman is still standing around in the back garden doing nothing much except melt.

But it’s spring now with the promise of growth and renewal. The sun shone for a little as I walked down William Street today. There was a promise of summer.

Spring is the beginning of beginnings and the season of renewal. I am going to have a cut at planting that Belfast sink.