Billy Keane: The heat is causing all sorts of steamy goings-on

I’d love a drop of rain now as this heat is causing all sorts of steamy goings-on Billy Keane

THE Man Who Knows Everything wasn’t enjoying the heat one bit. “I’m after setting a hundred cabbage,” he said, “and if we don’t get rain soon they will shrivel up and die.”

The Woman Who Hasn’t Had Sex For 39 Years has taken off the tea cosy hat she wore as a type of purdah or mourning for the loss of her sex life when the husband ran off with a young one.

It wasn’t as if Mrs 39 was seen walking down the street practically half naked. Mrs 39 wore a very nice blouse which was described by The Man Who Knows Everything as retro, which he said meant it came from the seventies. And indeed the blouse probably wasn’t taken out of the wardrobe for years, seeing as we haven’t had a fine spell like this since the last time a Pope came to Ireland.

Already, after just two weeks of sunny weather, there are murmurings of discontent, led for the most part by The Man Who Knows Everything, who, by the way, has the hots for Mrs 39, if you pardon the pun. We will call him TMWKE from now on as typing out such a long name is wearing me out in this heat. Yes, there are those who are complaining about the heat.

I met a woman who said we were only six weeks away from drought and she’s broke from buying sun cream and charcoal. TMWKE refuses to go to the wonderful beaches of Ballybunion, as he claims to have seen a topless woman.

“The next thing the women will be going around completely naked,” says he. “What’s wrong with that?” asks I, rhetorically, “and what’s the difference between naked and completely naked?”

Then I pretend I’m getting a dizzy spell so I don’t have to listen to his answer, which could take as long as a tribunal.

I was later told that TMWKE was most annoyed as it beat him how a man fainting from the heat could walk off so fast.

TMWKE’s wife left him, so he and Mrs 39 do have that much in common. Now this isn’t me saying this – no, not all – it’s TMWKE, which come to think of it sounds like one of these radio stations in the midlands hopelessly addicted to Country and Irish.

Anyway, TMWKE told me his missus left because as a woman she couldn’t bear a man being in the right the whole time. For sure, TMWKE will never bed Mrs 39, as she would have to listen to him afterwards.

Mrs 39 isn’t exactly the easiest to get on with and very opinionated. I don’t hold out much hope for TMWKE. There are many in our town who are of the opinion he should be had up for attempted murder.

The victim was trying to avoid meeting TMWKE, who could keep you for 20 minutes talking about North Korea and how it’s a certain fact its leader is an American spy who was promised a place at corner back on the Harlem Globetrotters basketball team if he turned.

The victim spotted TMWKE coming down the street towards him so he dashed across the road to get away and was knocked down by a man from Milwaukee who got such a fright he went straight back home to America on the next flight.

The magpies are outside the window roaring their heads off. I was thinking of buying a gun and shooting the whole lot of them. Although TMWKE says the old magpie rhyme of ‘One for Sorrow (Two for Joy)’ is true, as he won €20 on a scratch card after he spotted two magpies waiting on a branch to murder the swallows, whom I love dearly.

TMWKE says the swallows don’t really fly that far in the winter. He’s certain the birds only wing it to the Isle of Man until the weather gets warmer.

I think he’s going off his game from all the flesh being exposed by the women and Mrs 39 in particular. Mrs 39 has me baffled. I was chastised by two women because of her taking off even more.

Mrs 39 was seen without the black woolly tights she wears winter and summer; the ones with the nobbly bits of wool the size of rosary beads. Her legs were bare and tanned, which leads me to believe she must have been sunbathing in the back garden.

TMWKE says Mrs 39 has a fine pair of legs. He saw her in a mini skirt in 1968.

She’s had a psychosomatic ulcer on her leg ever since the husband left, causing her to walk slowly. But the other day she was striding out. She’s cured.

Then, just yesterday, TMWKE says he saw her licking a 99 – very slowly and suggestively – “with her tongue”.

“Well what else would she lick it with?” I asked, and I advised him to stay in the shade until the heatwave is over. It’s a terrible thing that a woman can’t lick an ice cream, slowly, in public, with her tongue, without some man getting thoughts.

The phone is hopping. This very morning, Mrs 39 has taken to wearing eye shadow. It’s blue and I have been advised she was seen buying pink lipstick, which will finish off licking the 99s. Word on the street has it she’s after opening a new button on the retro blouse.

IMENTIONED I’m in trouble with the women. I just casually mentioned, without much thought, that Mrs 39 might be doing herself up to get a man.

The women said I said an awful thing and that women do themselves up for themselves.

For years I have been trying to cure Mrs 39 of her manogyny. Not that she wasn’t well entitled to turn manogynist, after what the husband did to her.

But what will happen if the women are wrong and Mrs 39 is putting herself on the market? I know I’m being selfish but if Mrs 39 does get a touch, well then I can only write one more column.

Just now a source called me and he said skimpy filigree underwear was seen hanging out on Mrs 39’s clothes line.

And a terrible worry came over me. Will Mrs 39 ever get to see the 40th? Or is it too late and was the underwear bought for her by some predatory man who has already done the deed?

I know, I know. She might have bought the lingerie herself for herself. But still though, it would get you thinking.

These are very worrying times. Very, very worrying times indeed. We could badly do with a drop of rain.