World Cup isn’t just sport, it’s reality TV – as God intended
Frank Coughlan: The World Cup is reality TV – as God intended
IT WAS the Tweet of someone at the end of their tether. It simply asked: when will this torture end? That was a week into a marathon World Cup that lasts a month and has been about as avoidable as heat rash this summer.
I could understand the desperation. But the mistake that all Russia 2018 phobics and naysayers make is that they have tended to treat this marathon tournament as just another sporting event when it is really something else completely.
It is primarily a soap opera on a grand, global scale with an audience counted in billions and endless sub-plots, layers of intrigue, political skulduggery, conspiracy theories, not to mention personal triumphs, tragedies and meltdowns.
It’s reality television as God intended it and as explained in the Book of Genesis, if you know where to look.
We started out with 32 nations way back when. Now it’s down to a hardcore eight. Here are the best bits so far:
1. Considering Russia’s murky record on doping in sport it is little wonder there were nasty whispers after some whirlwind performances where the team buzzed around like hyperventilating Duracell bunnies. But the drug they’re on seems to be something much more addictive: national hysteria. If Putin could bottle that, he wouldn’t have to fix elections.
2. Brazil’s pouty spoilt-brat superstar Neymar slumped into a teary heap during an unimpressive early display against Costa Rica, earning a torrent of criticism back home, and even his own teammates have now tired of his self-obsessed antics. Worse, his mother is now nagging at him from the sidelines to sign for Real Madrid. His current
€3m-a-month isn’t enough to cover her wardrobe.
3. Martin O’Neill and Croatian Slaven Bilic have sparked off each other continuously as ITV panellists, culminating in a tense face-off over the quality of the non-qualifying Irish. Thin-lipped and furious, O’Neill gave as good as he got. But then looking narky and defensive seems to be O’Neill’s resting face. Is it any wonder our national team plays such joyless, unwatchable football?
4. Vicki Sparks became the first women in these islands to commentate on a World Cup match when she described the action
between Morocco and Portugal for the BBC. She didn’t put a foot wrong, but former Chelsea player Jason Cundy whinged on breakfast television that her voice was too high-pitched. Sounds like just the man to coach Dinosaur FC next season.
5. German fans watching their team’s humiliating exit to South Korea in fanzones across the country could only gape openmouthed and weep. But it was a fractured squad, divided between the Bayern Munich elite and ‘bling-bling’ strollers like Mesut Özil. Worse, Toni Kroos refused to pass to one team-mate because he didn’t trust him. Arrogant? Just a tad, perhaps.
6. Hope Solo, twice an Olympic gold goalkeeper, has proven to be a fine addition to the RTÉ panel. She certainly turned the heads of Damien Duff and Didi Hamann who were impressed, not least by the American’s astute and frank analysis during the tactically absorbing Sweden and Switzerland game. Will we see more of Solo? Hope so.
7. This likeable, talented England team is hard to diss, but the usual knuckle-dragging Anglophobes will find a reason anyway. Harder again to begrudge their star striker Harry Kane the golden boot as top scorer, considering his Co Galway roots are so deep and strong.
The World Cup trophy being paraded through Letterfrack like the Liam MacCarthy? Now, that would be the day.
8. Larger-than-life Maradona (and getting larger all the time) proved to be irresistible to the television cameras during Argentina’s final group game. Looking somewhat tired and emotional, the world witnessed him lean over the stadium balcony to make very rude gestures after his country’s late winner. El Diego then folded like a deckchair and was rushed to A&E by burly minders, putting him out of contention for one last glorious comeback. Different class.
9. Liverpool’s Egyptian striker Mo Salah was supposed to set the World Cup alight but his most memorable contribution was his bromance and photo op with the alleged gangster and homophobe Ramzan Kadyrov who runs Chechnya, a Putin client state, as a private fiefdom. Not the brightest bulb in the dressing room, a bemused Mo is now considering quitting international football at 26.
10. Heroic Danish ’keeper Kasper Schmeichel saved three penalties against Croatia and still lost. The disappointment of his legendary dad Peter, a watchful figure sitting in the stands, could be instantly understood by any helicopter parent. Kasper has struggled to emerge from the long shadow cast by his father. Could be a PhD in that for a psychiatry student.
11. But the most talked about superstar of this World Cup doesn’t tog out at all. Instead it lurks in a windowless cupboard in Moscow. VAR.
FIFA’s shiny new Big Brother technology does indeed solve disputes, finger cheats and settle off-sides.
But its most lasting impact has been to turn referees from policemen into traffic wardens, give licence to mouthy players to challenge decisions even more. An emphatic red card please.